Gather around my pets… let Lady Smaggle tell you a story.
On Sunday I had a 5pm twilight show of my play. This play requires a good two and a half hours of solid focus from me and I am only off stage for about 10 minutes, which leaves little time for menial tasks such as going to the toilet. On Sunday, at the end of the play – after I danced my way through an hilarious parody of the opera Cosi Fan Tutte – I needed to pee really badly. I only had two scenes left but I’m a total princess when it comes to bladder discomfort so I thought I’d be able to pee in the 9 seconds I had in between scenes. I raced up to the dressing room, took off my awesome red overalls and did possibly the quickest wee that anyone has ever done. Feeling rather proud of myself that I had a whole 3 seconds to spare, I grabbed the straps of my overalls to put them back on when I realised… they were wet. That’s right. They had fallen IN THE TOILET. I need to point out at this stage that during a show we’re forbidden to flush the toilet because you can hear it in the auditorium. The ‘if it’s yellow let it mellow’ rule applies and we flush after the show. Yep… my overall straps were soaked in my own pee. With two scenes and the curtain call left to go, I had no choice but to strap myself into my own soaking hobo overalls and try not to fucking piss myself again with laughter. I could feel the warmth slowly spreading to my thin yellow shirt underneath and I had to run straight on stage and into the arms of my unsuspecting ‘leading man’ – I use the term ‘leading man’ rather loosely. We do share a few passionate embraces but they err on the side of molestation as opposed to romance. It is so hot right now. Thankfully I drank litres of water during the show so it really was the best possible time to pee on myself – twas nice and clean if you get my drift. Although, wee cleanliness aside, I have now officially wet my pants as an adult. Apparently it counts even though it was in the shoulder region. Just call me Piss Pants McSmaggle.
Over to you my grotty little snot machines! What’s the grossest thing that you’ve ever done? Come on! Toilets! Poo! Can you beat my super gross story…?
Love Lady Smaggle xxx
13 Comments
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HAHAHAHA I am a princess when it comes to bladder discomfort too! I pee before every lesson I teach, teachers think I am crazy here!
I dropped my cell phone in the toilet, but it was before I peed so I guess that isn’t that bad….
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Oh shit that’s funny – I almost peed myself at the reception desk reading your story and that would have have probably been the grossest thing I’ve ever done 😀 Probably the grossest thing I’ve done is get a jolt from an electric fence that promptly made me fall down into a cow pat. I started crying from the humiliation 😀
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I did a similar thing a couple weeks ago, it was some kind of string/lace thing, I can’t even remember what I was wearing now, but luckily I was at home so I could remove said item and wash. What did the guy you had to hug say about all this?
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Did you tell your leading man about all this???
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Hilarious! (but I am guessing not so much at the time).
I once (as a kid) ate dog poop.
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i have always had this weird obsession with peeing as often as I can when I’m out and about. I know that’s not that strange, but my reason for it is – if I get hit by a car, or mugged, or something random happens, my biggest fear is having to go to hospital or talk to police in pee-soaked pants! cause if you’re walking along the street desperate to go to the loo, and you get scared suddenly… who knows what will happen!
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I peed myself once too. In a bar, after I fell off a bar-stool (but it was a medical crisis because I had fainted). I’m sure the cocktails had nothing to do with it …
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oh lady s, how brave of you to share that – how hilarious! because you were so brave, i’m going to be brave and tell you something i’ve never told anyone before! *gulp*
when i was quite young (like 13/14) i was staying with family friends while my parents were out of town. i had to pee in the middle of the night, unfortunately the toilet was out a door onto an enclosed verandah where the family dog also resided – and in those days i had a dog phobia so i wasn’t willing to face the dog in order to relieve myself, so… i peed in the bathroom sink! oh! the shame! -
Ha! I can’t believe a whole audience saw you with pee on your pants!! I think I have one that could ALMOST top that! … perhaps not on such a public scale … though maybe even a bit grosser… can’t do it – too chicken. Eeeek – have to make myself stop remembering now!!!
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Wow, talk about “the show must go on.”
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Once when I was in Grade 5, we’d been outside in the grass for P.E and I have awful hayfever and I forgot to take my medication. I started feeling a little sniffly and before I knew it I was having a sneezing fit. I couldn’t even move, all I could do was put my hands over my face as I sneezed about 15 times in a row. My hands and my face pretty much got covered in snot in front of all my class mates and my teacher said, “Er, prehaps you should go to the bathroom….”.
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Fab story. You were brave to tell it, so here’s mine: when I was in Grade 6, our class had a PE class and was playing some ball game in the yard one afternoon. I was busting. But the kid’s toilets were so dark, dirty and scary that I put off going, until the last minute. Finally I gave in, rushed to the toilet, made it into a cubicle… and then busted on myself. I spent the rest of the afternoon until home-time fielding on the extreme perimeter of the yard.
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Jocelyne – It was all in retrospect when he found out so it wasn’t too bad. Plus I literally suck his face off in the play so it was payback time.
Azz – Yes. He took it all rather well.
Jospehine – Ha! Thank you. I’m quite the over sharer.
