Gather around my pets… let Lady Smaggle tell you a story.
On Sunday I had a 5pm twilight show of my play. This play requires a good two and a half hours of solid focus from me and I am only off stage for about 10 minutes, which leaves little time for menial tasks such as going to the toilet. On Sunday, at the end of the play – after I danced my way through an hilarious parody of the opera Cosi Fan Tutte – I needed to pee really badly. I only had two scenes left but I’m a total princess when it comes to bladder discomfort so I thought I’d be able to pee in the 9 seconds I had in between scenes. I raced up to the dressing room, took off my awesome red overalls and did possibly the quickest wee that anyone has ever done. Feeling rather proud of myself that I had a whole 3 seconds to spare, I grabbed the straps of my overalls to put them back on when I realised… they were wet. That’s right. They had fallen IN THE TOILET. I need to point out at this stage that during a show we’re forbidden to flush the toilet because you can hear it in the auditorium. The ‘if it’s yellow let it mellow’ rule applies and we flush after the show. Yep… my overall straps were soaked in my own pee. With two scenes and the curtain call left to go, I had no choice but to strap myself into my own soaking hobo overalls and try not to fucking piss myself again with laughter. I could feel the warmth slowly spreading to my thin yellow shirt underneath and I had to run straight on stage and into the arms of my unsuspecting ‘leading man’ – I use the term ‘leading man’ rather loosely. We do share a few passionate embraces but they err on the side of molestation as opposed to romance. It is so hot right now. Thankfully I drank litres of water during the show so it really was the best possible time to pee on myself – twas nice and clean if you get my drift. Although, wee cleanliness aside, I have now officially wet my pants as an adult. Apparently it counts even though it was in the shoulder region. Just call me Piss Pants McSmaggle.
Over to you my grotty little snot machines! What’s the grossest thing that you’ve ever done? Come on! Toilets! Poo! Can you beat my super gross story…?
Love Lady Smaggle xxx