This week on Straight & Curly, Kelly and I are talking about saying no and how to do it well.
Here’s some extra reading on the topic I’ve written over the years…
5 Things You’re Totally Allowed To Say Hell No To
5 Things Productive People Never Say
How are you with saying no to things? Are you good at it? Or do you suck a bit?
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7 Comments
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I’m probably the opposite, I say no as a default because I need a lot of ‘by myself’ time. When I first moved to Brisbane I didn’t really know anyone so I actually had to train myself to say yes so I could meet people and have a life.
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Oh the trappings of an introvert! I find it hard to say no to my mates but I’m okay saying no to pretty much everyone else.
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I’ve been practicing saying no more in the last few years. I mean, I’ve always been able to, but I have been learning to do it without crippling anxiety and guilt which takes away any benefit I might have got by saying no in the first place! I’ve been trying to teach my husband not to over explain his ‘no’s. He gets himself all worried when the truth or just a simple, “sorry – we won’t be making it – hope you have a wonderful time” would suffice. I think sometimes we can even risk thinking we’re more important than we are and it can get a bit self indulgent whining on and on with our excuses and sob stories for how we’re filled with regret that we cannot be at some vague event for someone we don’t even talk to that much.
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Yes! That’s my main issue is that I think the world will fall apart without me. So stupid letting my ego get in the way of me saying to things.
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^That’s something my husband has helped me with. Saying no without explaining why I said no. If I don’t want to watch your kid this weekend so you can get some things done, I actually can just say, “Sorry, I’m not available. Hope you can find someone else.” End of story. I don’t know why I have to make it more difficult than it is! Ha!
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I’m not available is a great sentence. I just hate when people follow it up with ‘What are you up to?’
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Oohh I need to learn NOT to say “maybe”. That’s what sucks me in.
Here’s what I’ve learned about saying no:
1. If you’re being asked to do something (bake for a bake sale, for example) and you say no, the world will not end AND the person asking will go to the next person on the list. That led me to realizing……
2. It’s a rare task or job that cannot be done by someone else. . Even a brain surgeon is not the only one in the world who can do that particular job (well, there are exceptions..). Realizing that freed me from thinking I am responsible for whatever task I’m being asked to do, and therefore I must do it even if it doesn’t fit my schedule or my emotional well-being at the time.(As a woman, I can be an emotional sponge – absorbing the mood or need in the room as if it were my own)
3. I’m the only one who knows how I’m feeling, what my week has been like, what week I’m facing, if I’m overwhelmed or relaxed, if I’m healthy or ill, if I’m stressed by financial obligations or have extra monies tucked away. So I am allowed to say “I can’t make it” when invited to an event – especially if I need a night in. Which leads me to…..
4. If I tell someone I can’t make it (for any of 101 reasons – other plans, sick, have to work late, etc.) it’s a reflection of the other person’s nosiness if they insist on asking me what I’m doing that I can’t make it. I am free to smile and say I’m not able to make it. (granted, most of these are for acquaintances, etc. and not for the closest of friends)
5. If I’m at a social event in a group of two or more other people, and I’d like to leave, I want to be like the woman I heard about (I swear it was Jackie Kennedy or Audrey Hepburn) who simply say “excuse me” and walk away without giving an excuse (excuse me, I need to use the restroom). nope. she’d say “excuse me” and walk away. I learned from that you don’t have to give an excuse. and you’re still being polite.
6. I’ve learned to say “no” to buying products or giving into sales pitches because I realized the person is simply doing their job – to sell me a product. But when the time comes to pay the bill, will that sales person be there to cover the bill for me? No. it’ll be my hard earned money paying the bill so I need to figure out if I want the item or service and if I can afford it. The sales person doesn’t know if I have millions in the bank or am overdrawn by $20.There..some lessons I’ve learned over the years. But I still don’t get it right every time! 🙂