I’m a fairly tolerant person but I also have very high moral standards. For example at the deli counter at the supermarket, I make a mental note of the order of the people waiting to be served and I’ll inform the staff of who was there before me. If someone tries to butt in ahead of me or someone else, I’ll totally dob. I’ll be all ‘Um… excuse me, but that lady over there was next and then I’m after her.‘ And then That Lady Over There always gives me a mental fist pump and we silently celebrate our mini victory over Butt Head. I’m like a social vigilante. Only way less subtle and heaps more annoying.
So anyway, about a year ago I was out for dinner for a friend’s birthday and one of my friend’s friends brought her new girlfriend. New Girlfriend was lactose intolerant. No biggie. We were eating at a tapas place where we all shared the dishes so she asked if we could order things that didn’t have cheese. That’s cool. There’s plenty of other stuff that we ordered. The evening went well, we all drank wine, talked a lot of shite and then went for a walk down the street. We stumbled across a gelato bar and a few of us decided to get a little frozen sweet treat to cap off the evening. So we were all walking around eating our little tubs of frozen goodness when friend’s friend offered New Girlfriend a bite of her double chocolate, super creamy, unmistakably dairy poison filled gelato. New Girlfriend said ‘Oh, I really shouldn’t…‘ and then proceeded to devour half the gelato.
What. The. Fuck.
I stared at her, totally slack jawed while she scraped the bottom of the gelato cup to scoop up every last morsel of the substance that she was supposed to be allergic to. Hells no. Not on my watch. I know I’m sounding a teeny bit unhinged about this but just hear me out.
If New Girlfriend wants to eat soy cheese all day and have rice milk in her coffee, that’s fine. If she then wants to face plant into a vat of cream, then that’s fine too. Perhaps she can tolerate a little bit of dairy here and there. Whatever. I have little to no interest in her bowels. However on this particular evening, she put her own enjoyment above the enjoyment of ten other people who ate tapas, notoriously cheesy food, without cheese for the benefit of her supposed allergy. Then did a giant dairy eating dance 20 minutes later. Supreme douche baggery. This kind of behavior gives people with actual allergies a bad reputation because these dickheads go around making tables of ten order everything dairy and gluten free and then they sit there and hoe into a giant piece of cake with whipped cream and peanuts. No.
I have several friends who are lactose sensitive or try not to eat too much wheat and they’re really respectful. They’ll order a separate dish or save that meal out as a ‘cheat meal’ for the small amount of wheat or dairy that they’re able to consume. I’m simply suggesting that perhaps New Girlfriend should have used her dairy quota of the day on the shared meal rather than selfishly making a table of people change their orders for her so she could have dessert.