Sexual harassment is a sensitive issue and one that I don’t take lightly. I think most women have experienced some form of sexual harassment in their lives, which is inexcusable. This post is not about sexual harassment though, it’s about the weird grey area of unwanted romantic advances. I had an interesting experience a few weeks ago that made me think about why some romantic behaviours will land a guy a date or flattered giggle and the same behaviours from a different man will get him labelled as a creep.
I went to a bootmaker to have a leather jacket and a leather bag fixed. I was greeted by a short, balding man probably only in his late 30s, who was quite softly spoken. Both of the jobs were very quick ones but he said I’d need to leave my items overnight. I told him I was leaving for New York the next day and if he could do them any quicker that would be great. He fixed both, on the spot in front of me and refused any payment. I thanked him profusely and told him I’d send all my friends to his shop. He then took my hand in both of his hands and kissed it three times. I very quickly excused myself and walked away feeling slightly dirty and a little confused as to what had just happened.
Initially, I was quite outraged. I don’t generally tolerate being touched by strangers, especially if their lips end up on me. Then I started replaying the scene in my head and re-casting his role with different characters. A camp, flirty gay guy? Totally acceptable. A charming old man? Completely fine. Cheeky, gorgeous young guy? Bring it on!
It occurred to me that the only reason why I was grossed out by his behaviour was because he was a) genuinely interested in me, unlike a gay guy or a charming old man and b) I genuinely wasn’t interested in him unlike a cheeky, gorgeous young guy. Obviously as a service provider, it wasn’t the most appropriate timing and location for him to choose such behaviour but, I’ve had the exact same experience at a cafe, with an obviously homosexual barrista and not felt nearly as violated.
I started to feel sorry for him, because honestly, how is he supposed to know whether or not I find him attractive? And whether or not his advances would be welcome?
My question to you is… do we have double standards? Do we categorise unwanted romantic advances as creepy, simply because the advances are unwanted? I only ask this because I obviously do. That was proven with my little experience with the creepy bootmaker. Who wouldn’t have been nearly as creepy if he looked like Orlando Bloom. Or behaved like Kurt from Glee.
Are we sending the message that only charming, handsome or sexually unavailable men can behave in a romantic way towards women?
Before we start commenting, this is not a discussion about actual sexual harassment. It’s never okay and should not be tolerated.
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I would love to hear some male perspectives on this too.