‘m curious about how you eat sweets. If you say ‘chewing and swallowing’ you’re an amateur and I politely suggest you take notes on this post or bugger off and come back tomorrow.
The consumption of flavoured sweets has long been an art form for me. I have a strict order of colour preference that is solid, unwavering and based on years of trial and error research. I eat the yucky flavours first and save the best for last. Here’s my method.
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The Smaggle Method of Lolly Consumption (using Skittles as an example and in order of yuckyness)
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1. Green/Lime
Green is always my least favourite flavour so it gets eaten first like the proverbial swallowing of a frog. It doesn’t matter if it’s green apple or lime flavoured, green is a punishment I must endure before I can start eating the ‘real’ lollies.
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2. Yellow/Lemon
Lemon is very blah to me but it’s still semi-enjoyable and is also a good palette cleanser for god-awful green. I prefer a strong lemon flavour too… if it tastes like watery lemonade, I’m going to be pretty pissed off.
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3. Orange
Orange is a very respectable and enjoyable lolly flavour that usually gets a middle to high-ranking. In a packet of jelly snakes, orange could rank higher it’s just that red and purple Skittles are the best thing ever so orange ends up a bit further down the line by default. Soz orange Skittles… try being purple instead.
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4. Red/Strawberry
Now pay attention this is VERY important. Red Skittles are consumed second to last because they are strawberry flavoured. Strawberry is a top flavour in Smaggle taste bud land. IF red Skittles were cherry flavoured, they’d be consumed first, even before stinky lime and possibly not even consumed at all depending on how big a pain in the ass I’m being that day. Cherry is the very worst red flavour and strawberry is the very best red flavour. Are you keeping up? Good.
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5. Purple/grape
Purple is always a good flavour. Grape is excellent, as is blackcurrant. Purple will always be saved for last, even outside the Skittle Kingdom. The only time purple is bad is when it’s accidentally a black jelly bean and then you might as well give up on life after that. Once you’ve had black you can’t go back… everything will taste like aniseed for days. It’s best just to get your tongue surgically removed and be done with it.
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Additional notes
* Pineapple, tropical and coconut flavoured lollies can go fuck themselves. They’re completely unnecessary and they’re a waste of everyone’s time. If I eat a yellow lolly thinking it’s lemon flavoured and it turns out to be some bullshit pineapple mango crap, I will go APE SHIT. I just don’t think it’s too much to ask that lolly flavours be straight forward.
* Ditto watermelon flavour. It’s just unnecessary.
* Just because I don’t enjoy a flavour of lolly doesn’t mean I won’t eat it. I will eat it and I will hate myself and the lolly and the world while I eat it. This is why I have such strong feelings about The Smaggle Method of Lolly Consumption. I will eat ALL the lollies, and that’s why the order is so important. I can’t let my last lolly of the day be a Watermelon Jolly Rancher or a Cherry Starburst because that’s just silly. Hence the method.
* Sour anything is excellent… except cherry. Cherry is always bad.
* I don’t enjoy Jelly Belly jelly beans because I find them misleading. I’ll pick up a nice purple spotty looking bean, expecting grape or blackcurrant and I’ll get mouth abused by something disgusting like Island Punch or Berry Smoothie. Not cool guys. Not cool.
* Chocolate is not included in this discussion. That’s a WHOLE different kettle of fish.
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Do you have a lolly eating method? Or do you really not give a crap?
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P.S – If you want to stalk me on the interwebs here are a few places you can find me – Facebook, Twitter, Bloglovin, Instagram, YouTube and the Smaggle weekly newsletter. Or if you hang around any frozen yogurt joint in Melbourne you’re bound to see me eventually. I really love frozen yogurt.