What To Say To Your Friend Who Got Dumped

One of my mates is having a bit of a rough time at the moment because her and her husband have separated. She’s totally fine, obviously sad and is experiencing a weird roller-coaster of fluctuating emotions but she’s pretty solid. Her life is sorted and although it’s a bit shit, it’s not the end of the world. She’s got a roof over her head, a great career and she can afford groceries and wine that comes in a bottle. Not all people are so lucky in break ups and for some people, ending a marriage means a lot more than simply consciously uncoupling from another person. So we came up with a list of things that you should ask your friend who’s just been broken up with or is in the middle of a break up. Even if you think your friend is fine, there may be something that they aren’t telling you.

Here are some questions you should be asking them.

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1. Are you safe?

Perhaps the most important of all questions is to ask if your friend is safe. Not all break ups are amicable and if they’ve left behind an unstable and seething spouse, then your friend is going to need lots of support, particularly if they have children. Contact the police and ask about what steps you can take to make sure that your friend is protected. This goes for both men and women. Don’t assume that your male friend is going to be fine because he might not be. Ask the question and be prepared to help if the answer is ‘no’.

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2. Do you have somewhere to live?

Make sure that your mate has a roof over their head until they get themselves sorted. There’s nothing worse than breaking up with someone and worrying about having somewhere to sleep that night. If you don’t have a spare room or can’t offer accommodation then help your friend to organise to couch surf amongst your friendship group or find them a spare room ASAP. Break ups are made so much harder by uncertainty and the sooner you can help your friend find a semi-stable home base the better.

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3. Do you have enough money?

You may not be in a position to lend your friend money but you can certainly help out if you know that your mate is struggling financially. That might mean making some re-heatable dinners so they don’t have to buy groceries that week, helping them put their car up for sale on a website or proof reading their CV. If his/her ex is being awful about money you could also help them seek legal advice.

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4. Do you have enough support?

Realistically, you can’t be there for your friend all the time so it’s important to make sure that she/he has a support network of people that they can turn to if shit gets serious. Just make sure that your mutual friendship group are aware of the situation and can be available for the odd dinner, walk or phone call. Your mate may not even need that much support but knowing it’s there will be a huge help.

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5. What I can I do to help you right now?

If your friend has all of these areas covered, he or she is very lucky. Now that you know that your mate is safe and has a roof over their head you can get down to the business of helping them heal. It can be really tempting to run over to their house and start shoving wine and chocolate down their throat but be careful with behaviour like this. It’s totally cool/necessary to do this on the first day/weekend but you need to be there for other healing activities too. Helping your friend to buy a couch, load their stuff on to a truck or spend a Saturday with them looking for a new flat will be the best thing you can do for them… followed by a few sensible drinks of course!

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Have you ever gone through a bad break up? What would you have liked your friends to say?