Have you ever wondered what girls do when they’re alone? I’m talking about all girls and anyone who identifies as a girl. Relationship status is irrelevant. Loved up ladies and theydies and free single gals alike partake in strange little rituals when left alone in their own habitat. I discreetly quizzed a few of my girlfriends to come up with a comprehensive list of what we complex females get up to when no one is around.

What do girls do when they’re alone?

1.  Eat a full days worth of meals from bed.
2. Wax all the things.
3. Practice our Oscar acceptance speeches in the bathroom mirror holding a vase.
4. Eat whole things. Whole blocks of chocolate. Whole packets of chips. Whole cooked chickens.
5. Dye our hair.
6. Do celebrity lounge room workouts.
7. Execute major pore extraction.
8. Google our ex-boyfriends to see if they’re miserable.
9.  Try on all our clothes even though we aren’t going anywhere.
10. Imagine what loved ones would say about us at our funeral.
11. Face masks:often several in one evening.
12. Sunbathe nude in the backyard.
13. Try really hard not to chant ‘Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary’ in the mirror after we’ve been to the toilet.
14. Tuck our pyjama bottoms into our socks because we’re cold and we don’t care.
15. Eat cereal for dinner.
16. Do number 2s with the door open.
17. Cry and maybe watch ourselves in the mirror for a bit.
18. Do fancy eye makeup. Remove it. Do it again but differently. Repeat.
19. Play our favourite album and sing it really loudly and obnoxiously.
20. Have hour-long phone conversations with our mothers.
21. Binge watch trash TV.
22. Come up with perfectly bitchy retorts for arguments that happened ages ago.
23. Spend hours doing a ‘super professional’ looking fake tan that looks terrible the next day.
24. Google that meanie from high school to see if they’re miserable.
25. Practice for our interviews with Oprah.
26. Freak ourselves out by imagining murderers/aliens/zombies staring at us through the window.
27. Not wear pants.
28. Watch makeup tutorials/cat videos on YouTube.
29. Try to read classic literature and then give up and read the Ikea catalogue instead.
30. Ditto with watching French films and ditching them for our Sex and The City.
31. Practice the perfect amount of shaky voiced emotion for when Johnny Depp proposes to us.

Have you done any of the above? If you’re a dude, what do you get up to when left alone?