t’s been a while since I posted an observation piece here on Smaggle. Apart from time wasters and sultanas in savoury dishes, not a lot annoys me so rants are usually scarce around these parts. I generally avoid contentious topics because I don’t have time to argue with people on the internet but coincidentally it’s the internet arguing I’ve witnessed in the previous year that has inspired this post. The type of people who read negativity in innocent comments aren’t about to change their ways so I thought I’d pop together a guide for those of us who want to post a picture of honey on toast on Facebook without copping a screen full of abuse about cruelty to bees. If you want to avoid having an argument about absolutely nothing in 2016, here’s a list of topics to avoid.
Weight loss/dieting
You can vaguely say things like ‘healthy eating’ or ‘good daily habits’ but don’t ever say anything about losing weight or restricting your food intake to lose weight because we don’t lose weight any more. We ‘change our lifestyles’ okay? Also never say ‘calorie’ or ‘carbs’ because mob anger will happen.
How awesome Uber is
Even if you love Uber and use it all the time, you must publicly pretend like you still catch taxis because the golden unicorn that is the flawless taxi industry must be protected at all costs. It’s totally fine for other industries like video stores and magazines to go down the gurgler but not taxis. Not. Taxis. #taxisforever
iPhone apps
Never mention an iPhone app unless you can also mention the Android equivalent. If the app doesn’t have an Android equivalent, just don’t talk about it at all because it makes Android users all pouty.
The possibility that being healthy is good for your health
If you started Zumba classes and you feel great, keep it to yourself. Other people have done Zumba classes and they didn’t feel great so that’s something you need to consider. Also some people’s legs fell off after doing Zumba classes and you’re just lucky yours didn’t. Oh and Zumba classes are a government conspiracy and I can’t believe you would even consider going to Zumba classes.
Animals
No one with a social conscience has bought an animal from a pet store in years but you can’t even acknowledge their existence because it means your brain is supporting puppy farms. Don’t post pictures of cute dogs on Instagram either because if it’s a designer dog, you’re a horrible person. Pigs on farms are also out of bounds because of the meat industry. It doesn’t matter that the pig on the farm is happy and healthy because one day it will surely be tortured into a bacon burger.
Clean eating
‘Clean eating’ is the new negative health buzz phrase. Because the opposite of ‘clean’ is ‘dirty’ and this makes people feel sad about their food. You also can’t say ‘good’ because it’s the opposite of ‘bad’ and bad things are bad. It’s quite simple really.
Coffee pod machines
Even if you collect the pods for recycling or use the reusable pods, they’re still the devil’s work. You’re allowed to own and use a coffee pod machine you’re just not allowed to talk about it outside of your Secret Coffee Pod Machine User Support Group.
Sleeping in
If you got some sleep, for goodness sake keep it to yourself. No one needs to hear how well rested you are. Same with holidays, being in a happy relationship or displaying any kind of satisfaction with your life. We’re all miserable. Get on board.
I’m off to throw spent coffee pods at rescue dogs from the window of a speeding Uber while yelling at people that they need to lose weight and screaming at the top of my lungs ‘FUCK ANDROID STEVE JOBS IS MY GOD!!!’.
Note: This post is written with my tongue planted firmly in my cheek. I think it’s important to stand up for what you believe in but sometimes I just want to talk about the excellent takeaway coffee I had without someone yelling at me for not using my Keepcup. Sheesh.
Have you ever posted something totally innocent and then had to weirdly defend something you didn’t actually say? Spill!
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