When Sex and the City first hit Australian screens in the late 90s, I thought Carrie Bradshaw was freaking rad. I wanted so badly to have a teeny tiny 7-year-old-girl figure, a giant closet full of barely fashionable shoes and a job that required me to do dick all, except punch out one rhetorical question riddled article per week, while eating two-minute noodles in my underwear.
Honestly? I bloody love that show. It’s kind of like my favourite band. If I’m cooking dinner, I’ll pop an episode on in the background to listen to while I chop my veggies. Mr Smaggle went away for a week quite recently and I slammed through almost the entire series in his absence. I’m no Carrie hater and I actually think the show is quite brilliant HOWEVER, re-watching this show as a bona fide grown up, made me realise just how big a dick Carrie Bradshaw really is.
I get that TV shows need conflict to be entertaining (Screen Writing 101) but there was some nasty, shady, indecent and quite frankly unstable behaviour from our curly-haired friend.
Here are a few dick moves of Carrie Bradshaw that would leave her permanently friendless and single if she was a real life human.
She…
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1. Abandoned her friend at the opera because she saw her ex-boyfriend in the audience
If one of my friends ditched me at the theatre because she saw her ex-boyfriend of almost a year ago on the other side of the audience, I’d be pissed. If we were at a bar and she politely asked me to relocate, no issue. An overly dramatic run away from a $200 plus ticketed event? Dick move Bradshaw.
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2. Relentlessly stalked her lover’s ex-wife so she could off load her guilt, to the point where she followed her to a restaurant and forced the poor woman into a confrontation
If one of your friends successfully broke up a marriage and then went all Single White Female on the betrayed woman, you’d be quietly stroking her and telling her that everything was going to be okay… while surreptitiously dialling the mental health ward at your local hospital.
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3. Cheated on The Best Boyfriend In The World
It’s never okay to cheat on anyone ever but Aiden? It’s like kicking a Golden Retriever puppy in the guts.
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4. Showed up to her lover’s church and demanded that she be introduced to his mother
This is typical How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days material. Why the rush on meeting the mother? He was dating other women just the week before! Honestly, season 1 Carrie needed a good shake.
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5. Hated on her new boyfriend because he was ‘too romantic’
I mean there really is nothing worse than being treated too well is there?
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6. Went away for the weekend with her boyfriend to his country cabin and then invited the guy she cheated on him with
‘Hey babe, remember this asshole? He put his dick in me while you were buffing my hardwood floors. He’s here for dinner. The one you cooked because I think it’s adorable to be an incompetent human! LOL!’
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7. Broke up with her boyfriend on her friend’s wedding day
Short of wearing a white gown and trying to bone the father of the bride, this is amongst the worst bridesmaid behaviour imaginable. If she was going to actively break her boyfriend’s heart, she could have just waited 12 hours until it wasn’t her BFFs special day and then gone back to being a selfish princess. Gosh.
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8. Guilt tripped her friend into loaning her money
Friends don’t usually go around lending each other house deposits, especially if one them has a really terrible track record with money. Friends also don’t yell at their friends for politely refusing their unreasonable requests.
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9. Blamed her friend Miranda for getting her jilted at the altar because of a throw away statement she emotionally garbled at the groom to be at their rehearsal dinner
Big was a man-child who had a veritable buffet of commitment issues, none of which had anything to do with an emotional and slightly liquor laced remark from a broken-hearted bridesmaid at their rehearsal dinner. Carrie was an uber-bitch for letting Miranda wear the guilt of that.
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I still love the gal though. She was there for Miranda when she was alone on New Years Eve, she talked Charlotte through her humiliating up-the-butt conundrum and she was right beside Samantha for every step of her cancer journey. She’s also fictional, so let us learn from her nutbag ways and promise to never to buy our friends bullshit bagels, never ditch our friends for our new Russian lovers and never spend $40, 000 on shoes we can’t afford.