This is a guest post from the super awesome Jim at Mr and Mrs Romance. Follow him. He’s rad.
Dr Google has hundreds of hangover cures ready to prescribe, but do any of them really work? Are you really prepared to swallow four raw eggs when you’re already struggling to keep down last night’s kebab? I know I’m not.
Instead I’ve tried a more strategic approach. Sun Tzu in The Art of War said: “to know your enemy you must become your enemy.” I don’t know about all that, but in studying hangovers I’ve noticed they follow a pattern regardless of the quantity or quality of what you drank the night before.
Knowing what to expect seems to help me get through the worst of the pain.
The Four Stages of a Hangover
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Stage 1 – The Living Death
You wake up feeling like you’re about to die. Your eyes are bloodshot and your head’s thumping. You don’t want to move even though your bladder’s woken you up with that alarming pain that cannot be ignored. This stage can last from 30 minutes to a few hours.
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Stage 2 – It’s Energiser Bunny Time!
You suddenly get a wave of unexpected energy! You feel awesome. You find yourself able to things that moments ago you thought were beyond you. Enjoy this time while it lasts. This stage has a maximum shelf life of about 2 hours so don’t waste it.
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Stage 3 – The Downfall
From the heady heights of Stage 2, you’re suddenly thrust into the deepest despair. From here, Stage 1 feels like a lovely dream. The room spins, you get the beer sweats and whatever you were doing moments before in Stage 2 now causes your brain to go into total melt-down. This phase is annoyingly elusive. It could last 20 minutes or 8 hours and there’s no formula. Suck it up princess, you’re in for a rough ride.
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Stage 4 – The Long Slow Climb to Normality
The first signs of Stage 4 is you become able to complete simple actions without hurting yourself. Brushing your teeth, for example, no longer results in you making yourself gag with the toothbrush. This may take some time but it’s the road to full recovery. Be brave – you can do it!
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Usually all four stages will be completed within one 24 hour period with the victim reaching normality within their next full sleep cycle.
There are exceptions to this theory however.
If you wake up thinking – “I’m feeling pretty good but I’m not showing any signs of Stage 2… And I love you – you’re my best friend ever in the whole world!”
You’re still drunk. Wait for it – Stage 1 will catch up with you any minute. Drink lots of water!
If you wake up thinking – “I’ve got loads of energy and I’m raring to go.”
Either you’ve slept through your hangover (nice!) or you’re in Stage 2. Watch out! Stage 3’s on its way.
If you wake up thinking – “Feelings of clarity and brutal pain keep hitting me – like a Stage-2-Stage-3 Groundhog Day. What’s going on?!”
You’re having A Repeater. Stages 2 and 3 can sometimes repeat more than once before getting to Stage 4. Stick at it though – Stage 4 will come eventually or you’ll die. Either way you’ll get relief so really it’s win win.
Disclaimer: These stages don’t count if you’ve had to go to hospital.
The main secret to surviving a hangover is all in the education. Know your stages, recognise your symptoms and ride that wave like a champion.