SPOILER ALERT: At the time of publishing, the last episode I watched was Season 4, Episode 7 which came out last Monday. So just to be safe don’t read this unless you’re at least up to there.
A few months ago I published a post called The Game of Thrones Guide to Finding the Perfect Man. Heaps of people asked me to do a version with the women of Westeros so today I bring you The Game of Thrones Guide to Finding The Perfect BFF. Just a warning that Brienne is the only sensible choice, the rest of them are way too unpredictable or not worth the trouble.
The Bitch
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Cersei Lannister
She’s the biggest bitch in Westeros and can dish out venomous one liners that would make Joan Rivers cry. She drinks like a fish so a night out on the piss with her will always be a big one which is obviously awesome. She’s a master manipulater as well, managing to convince her impotent (now deceased) husband that she bore him three children despite the fact they’d never really had sex. She also has friends in high places and her brother Jaime, is a total fox.
Just remember…
Her fox-brother Jaime is also her lover and the father of her fore-mentioned children. Although she seems quite okay with sharing, sloppy incest seconds are a bit gross. She also has a creepy streak where she seems to think it’s rather amusing for her son to shoot prostitutes with crossbows, so you might want to make sure that your moral compasses are aligned before splitting a BFF heart necklace with this one.
The Crazy Bitch
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Ygritte
She’s totally out of control and disappears for weeks on end but when she comes back she’s always got fantastic stories to tell. Most of which involve fucking hot men of the Night’s Watch in hot springs and then hunting them down and shooting them with arrows.
Just remember…
She’s a crazy bitch. It’s in her blood. You can totally hang out with her and offer her some roasted rabbit or mead but just watch your back. She’s got really good aim and her moral fibre is totally whack. She’s also a Wildling which means access to a bath is practically non-existent, therefore she’s pretty stinky so don’t forget to take that into consideration.
The Total Waste of Oxygen
Sansa Stark
She’s that annoying girl your mother made you be friends with because her mum and your mum did basket weaving together. You know, before that awful throat slitting incident at The Red Wedding. Sansa is very sweet and has a strong sense of justice but that’s about where the appeal ends. Her husband is hilarious though, so try to hang out with him instead.
Just remember…
She’s semi-important. It’s best to keep her on your good side because she’s a hottie and will probably (re)-marry someone really powerful. She will share her lemon cakes with you but you’d have to sit with her while you ate them and it’s probably not worth the boredom. She’s also cries all the time. Yes almost her entire family has been slaughtered but she’s dealing with it like a giant sook while her siblings go out and fight like good Starks. She’s a really shit Stark. She’s also distractingly beautiful and it would be difficult to maintain a proper conversation with her, without slipping into a pretty coma.
The Bad Influence
Melisandre
She’s gorgeous, feisty and has legit magical powers. She can easily whip up a love potion for you but just be warned, she’s a cheeky thing and your lover may well end up with horns and a tail instead of an insatiable appetite for you. Melisandre is delightfully unpredictable. She also has one of the best wardrobes in Westeros. Added bonus is that she’s so busy slinking around and whispering cryptic advice to Stannis Baratheon that she’ll hardly notice you’ve borrowed her rad burgundy embroidered hooded cape.
Just remember…
She is the devil… or she gave birth to the devil… or the devil lives inside her. Whatever, there tends to be lots of evil misty clouds that follow her around and a creepy-ass black smoke baby flew out of her vagina and no one knows where it is. Just make sure you weigh up your bestie pros and cons with this one.
The Actual Proper Really Nice True Friend
Brienne of Tarth
She’ll be the best friend you’ve ever had and your parents will totally let you go to that festival at The Wall without a chaperone because they know Brienne is going and she’s very, very sensible. Plus she’s enormous so she’ll be able to carry you home when you get too munted to walk.
Just remember…
She’s so loyal that if you ask her to do something for you, she’ll bloody well do it. Even if you die and you won’t know if she’s done it. The only downside is that her other BFF is Jaime Lannister and no one knows if this is good or bad because Jaime is both horrific and lovely… often simultaneously. It’s a complicated little dynamic.
The Over Reacter
Shae
She’s a lovely girl and totally has your back. She’ll brush your hair for hours and make sure your Southern style croissant-with-two-plaits-hair-do (see Sansa Stark) always looks perfect. She also speaks the language of creeps and will be pretty good at making sure you don’t get raped.
Just remember…
She goes absolutely mental when boys break her heart, no matter how well-intentioned they were. You might often find yourself saying things like ‘Hey Shae sweetie… I know that it like, totally pissed you off that Tyrion (totally reasonably) sent you away because he didn’t want you to get killed… but was it REALLY necessary to lie in court and try to have him executed for a murder he didn’t commit? It just seems a bit harsh babe. More wine?’
The Workaholic
Margaery Tyrell
She’s smart, beautiful and extremely classy. You could invite her to a feast with your family and they’d probably try to trade you for her. She’s the perfect BFF handbag in all of Westeros. She’s ambitious but fair, so if you befriend her now, it’s likely she’ll still be your bestie when she becomes queen and only being besties with Jennifer Lawrence or Batman would beat that.
Just remember…
Her grandmother poisoned Margaery’s husband Joffrey at their wedding. He was a total douche-canoe but that’s not the point. Margaery comes from a family of hardcore women who will do anything to get what they want. Which is great… if you remain on her side. She also has magnificent breasts if that happens to be an item on your Bestie Must Have List.
The Emo Outcast
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Arya Stark
She’s very brave and she’s trained in sword combat which is super useful. She’s a very good person, which is a major bonus but she’s also a bit of a downer and is angry pretty much all the time. Her parents were both slaughtered so it’s totally understandable but still, that sullen emo teenager thing she has going on will get tired super quickly. She also has a weird dude that’s with her all the time and he’s a bit of a creep so watch out for that one.
Just remember…
She travels a lot. You won’t be able to just stop by for a bowl of lamb stew and a natter by the fire-place anytime you like. Although you won’t see her often, you’ll occasionally get a cryptic note from a random messenger that let’s you know that she’s alive, she misses you and that she hopes she’ll be able to make it to Casterly Rock in time for your wedding but she’s pretty busy avenging her father’s death so she’ll see how she goes.
The Popular One
Daenerys Targaryen
She’s the girl who always says the right thing, always looks totally hot and has every guy falling at her gorgeous, poised feet. If you can handle not being the Queen Bee then bags her as a bestie quick as you can, so you can soak up all her excess awesome before someone else does.
Just remember…
She fell in love with and married her rapist for no real reason which is a bit creepy. She also has three dragons and it’s pretty iffy as to whether or not she has full control over them. You might want to consider whether or not her friendship is worth the risk of ending up as dragon chow.
So who’s your pick for a Westeros bestie? Powerful Daenaerys? Bitchy Cersei? Unlucky in love Shae?