Has everyone seen the new ads out for the springfree trampoline? Where the sad, wounded kids shuffle off towards an old fashioned trampoline that looks like this one?
Then the dad stops them because it’s ‘not safe’. Well obviously dickhead, they have broken limbs. Then they get a springfree trampoline that looks like this…
…and it’s fine holiday fun for all.
The thing with the springfree trampolines is that you can’t do any of the proper trampoline fun things on it. The new safety features aren’t for safety. They’re for fun stopping.
For example you can’t…
* Jump from the roof of your house on to the trampoline and ricochet straight off and on to the ground.
* Jump from the trampoline and into a pool/spa/mattress/pile of leaves. None of which are terribly effective at breaking any kind of fall.
* Rip your brother’s favourite shorts on a spring and there by owing him one thing of yours that he can break to pay you back.
* Jump from the trampoline to the ground, land on your feet and get that heinous shooting pain up your legs and back.
* Pass out drunk on it. I’m not convinced I know how to get inside it sober. I’m thinking I won’t have much luck with 3/4 of a bottle of vodka in me.
* Render yourself infertile after landing junk first, with your legs on either side of a spring.
* Convince the kid next door that you can fly. I’m pretty sure the super cool safety net will give the game away on this one.
* Getting your soft, baby skin stuck in a spring and screaming to high heaven because your butt hole of a brother won’t stop jumping long enough for you to escape.
* Have water fights on it. It’s not really a fair fight if someone is stuck in a cage and can’t pelt around the back of the house and hide.
* Have sex on it. I mean I guess you could… but that would be weird. Like having sex in a ball pit or something.
I have permanent scars and permanent memories from years of trampoline use, memories and scars that wouldn’t have been formed had springfree trampolines been the norm when I was a kid. It makes me feel sad that kids these days won’t experience the sheer terror of when you over shoot your forward flip and crack your head on the un-padded metal bar. Or get their skin caught in the spring and having no choice but to pull it out really quickly and make it bleed.