These are questions that I’ve heard actual men, ask real live women in the past week. Here are the answers. The blunt ones.
Why do you use so much toilet paper?
We bleed, quite profusely, from our vaginas for five to seven days every month. Think about how many tissues you’d use, if you had a week long blood nose. We also use toilet paper for both wees and poos, which means we use it around five times a day more than you. It’s also not a luxury item so giving your gal beef in the toilet paper aisle at Coles… not so fly.
If you’re on a diet then why are you eating chocolate? Especially seeing as you made me eat tofu for dinner?
We can eat the chocolate BECAUSE we had tofu for dinner. It’s called value for calorie. Knob jockey.
Why are you watching Dirty Dancing again?
Because we are scared okay? We are scared of everything, of what we saw, of what we did, of who we are and most of all we are scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of our whole lives, the way we feel when we are with Patrick Swayze.
You got pregnant on purpose didn’t you?
It’s actually not possible for us to get pregnant on purpose. We can aim for it or try to avoid it but our brains aren’t in charge of our eggos getting preggo. It’s usually a mix of our ovulation cycles and the bumping of unprotected uglies. Interesting fact though – If you never, ever put your penis inside our vaginas we’ll never, ever get pregnant to you. Ever. Just something to think about… (jizz filled turkey basters excluded, obviously).
You just asked me if you look fat and you do. What am I supposed to say?
No. Obviously. Why is this so hard?
Why can’t we try anal sex? You know your g-spot is up there right?
Actually it’s YOUR g-spot that’s up there. Oh and for future reference regarding our g-spot it’s pretty much front and centre. You can’t miss it… unless you’re looking up our bums. Also, we are dead serious about your pleasure zone being up your jacksie. Want to try anal sex now, handsome?
What dumb arse questions have you been asked that you’d like to answer?
Disclaimer 1 – I uncharacteristically went to a pub this week. That’s where most of this was overheard. None of these questions were asked by my man. Except for the Dirty Dancing one.