In the Smaggle haus we call napping ‘woozing’. I have no idea where it came from but we don’t have naps or sleeps or kips. We have woozes. A wooze is a bit different to a nap though, it’s slightly more complex and there are several criteria that must be met in order for your few moments of shut-eye to be deemed a wooze. This is sort of a guide for how to have the perfect nap… except it’s a bit weirder. Mr Smaggle and I work for ourselves so our schedules are a bit weird. Hence why napping or ‘woozing’ as we say has become somewhat of a sport for us.
Here are The Rules of The Wooze…
You must be slightly uncomfortable
You need to be a little bit too cold, a little bit too hot, sitting upright, have the sun in your eyes or be curled up awkwardly in a too small chair. Loud conversations, televisions and music can also add to the discomfort. If the surface you’re woozing on is too hard or too soft, that works too. The reason for the discomfort is that if you’re feeling too relaxed and awesome, like in a bed, it turns the wooze into a sleep and you CANNOT LET A WOOZE TURN INTO A SLEEP. That’s amateur woozing at its worst. The discomfort keeps you honest.
You must be slightly guilty
A wooze isn’t a wooze unless you feel guilty about it. Woozing while someone else is driving, woozing when you’re running late and woozing when you’re supposed to be working are perfect guilty wooze scenarios.
You must not wooze in a bed
You can be ON a bed, but you can’t be IN a bed. And if you’re on a bed, it should have some element of danger like a freshly folded pile of laundry or a laptop that you have to precariously sleep around so you don’t knock it to the floor.
You must not wooze for longer than 60 minutes
60 minutes is the absolute wooze maximum. Ideally you want to wooze for about 30 to 40 mins but if you need a little extra you can stretch it to 60 mins but absolutely NO MORE. If you’ve been woozing for longer than 60 minutes your wooze has turned into a sleep and you’ve essentially ruined everything.
Good Wooze Example
- Not in a bed
- Good level of discomfort – leg hanging off the couch, bare feet so probably a bit cold
- Element of danger – clutching remote control and could drop it at any moment
- Guilt factor high – holding ones genitals while woozing is an excellent way to add extra guilt/element of danger of being busted having a self-fiddle
Wooze Glossary
Co-Wooze
Woozing with a partner or an animal.
Meerkat Wooze
Group woozing like animals at the zoo. Extra points if you do it in a pile like meerkats.
Plooze
Woozing on a plane.
Wooze Aggression
Pre and post wooze cranky-ness. Wooze aggression can also manifest mid-wooze. I’m famous for waking up mid-wooze and accusing Mr Smaggle and his brother of ‘talking shit about me’. This is a prime example of wooze aggression.
Wooze Enabler
A person who sees that you’re in danger of woozing and gently puts a pillow under your head and covers you with a blanket.
Wooze Confession
When you guiltily confess to another person that you woozed that day. Note: There’s always an element of smugness if you manage to sneak a wooze into your day.
Premium Wooze
A particularly good wooze or a situation that may lend itself to a good wooze. A premium wooze could be falling asleep for 20 minutes after a dinner party at your mates house while everyone else is talking and drinking around you. Woozing at the movies or during a play is super premium because it a) it cost money and b) it’s majorly taboo so you have to hide it. If you succeed with a movie or theatre wooze, you’ve reached ninja wooze levels.