I was reading Kerri Sackville’s article on Mamamia today about the disappointment she experiences when dating her own husband. How it’s not romantic to be wined and dined on a joint credit card and how it’s hard to manufacture stomach butterflies for a man whom you saw on the toilet this morning.
This got me thinking about my significant other (Mr Smaggle) and his strict bathroom etiquette rules. After five years of togetherness and bathroom sharing I have never, not once seen Mr Smaggle so much as unzip his pants any where near a toilet. I am also banned, point-blank from even thinking of peeing in front of him. We are an incredibly close and comfortable couple and this ban on certain bathroom activities annoys me for several reasons.
1) I grew up in a very open door house. Not because the Smaggles are freaky fetishists that enjoy watching each other do their business but because a) nothing stops a conversation between my mother and I (even now I rarely make it through our weekly chat with out jamming the phone between my face and shoulder and having a quick wizz mid conversation) and b) my father can spend a good half an hour in the toilet several times a day and if I needed nail polish remover or the hair dryer I’d just duck in and grab it while he was sitting there reading New Weekly.
2) My man is no way body shy. (read: he’s a naked guy)
3) It makes me think he does creepy stuff in there which is obviously not true but my brain naturally likes to fill information voids and I can get quite creative doing this.
If a person is inexplicably weird about something I’m going to push the issue until they crack. And Mr Smaggle is TOTALLY WEIRD about this.
I’ve tried to catch him peeing and I’ve tried to set him up so he catches me peeing but he is determined for this event to never occur. I came home one night, wretchedly drunk, having just found out that I was the only one of my girlfriends that had never seen their boyfriend pee. The night concluded with Mr Smaggle in the bathroom and me outside, pounding on the door and wailing ‘What won’t you pee in front of me? Don’t you love me? WE WILL NEVER REACH THE HEIGHTS OF TRUE INTIMACY IF YOU DON’T UNCLENCH YOU UPPITY BASTARD!’. I’m obviously paraphrasing but I’m pretty sure it went something like that.
I don’t actually want to see him pee. I just want to because he won’t let me. My friends, it’s all about winning. I WILL see that man pee. Mark my words. And so the war against Mr Smaggle and his girlfriend, Golden Showers McGraw continues.
Obviously today’s question is… Do you and your partner go to the toilet in front of each other? Number ones? Number twos? What are your bathroom rules?
Oh and for the record, I have no desire to share the bathroom during number twos. That’s a solitary affair.
Also I’m releasing my first podcast very, very soon but I’m not doing until I have 1000 twitter followers and 1000 Facebook fans. I would love for my long time readers to spread the Smaggle love and ask a few of your favourite people to help me out. Love you long time… seriously… so much.
Love
Smaggle
xxx