any of my posts are inspired by conversations that I have with my girlfriends and I had a ripper with a mate of mine recently while we were drinking Sav Blanc on her balcony on an unseasonably warm afternoon. She told me that her mother had told her that she shouldn’t wash her hair when she had her period. No explanation, no reason why, it’s just something you didn’t do. This mate of mine didn’t wash her hair while she had her period for YEARS until she realised it was total bullshit. My parents have told me some corkers over the years and as I’ve shared these strange lies with my mates I’ve realised they’re not unique to my family. Have your parents ever said any of the following to you?
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‘She’s talking about his… um… banana.’
When Rizzo and Kenickie (Grease) are making out in the car at the drive-in and Kenickie gets sad because ‘it’ (the condom) broke, I asked my mum what ‘it’ was and she said ‘His watch.‘ without skipping a beat. Needless to say I was very confused when Rizzo later excitedly screamed that she wasn’t pregnant. I was all ‘Cool. Why would you have been pregnant? That makes no sense.’ It wasn’t until I was about 13 years old and said out loud ‘Oh! It was a CON-DOM!’ that Mama Smaggle realised the damaged she’d done.
‘You’re adopted.’
I once asked my dad why I had blue eyes and everyone else in the family had brown and he told me that it was because I’m adopted* which I’m not. This seems to be the standard reply of all parents when their kids question why they don’t look like the rest of the family.
‘We were just wrestling…’
My mum is probably totally freaking out right now as she’s reading this but thankfully I never saw my parents engage in any sexual activity… and if I did I’ve blocked it out of my memory like all good little traumatised children should.
‘I’ll turn this car around!’
My dad would say this after we’d been in the car for 7 hours straight to visit my grandparents and my brother and I would be biting in holes in each other because we were so restless and bored. It was a flat out lie and we knew it. Note to parents: Children are very aware that you are not going to turn the car around on a day-long trip. Come up with a better lie.
‘If you don’t go to school today, the police will come take mummy and daddy away and put us in jail.’
That was my mum’s favourite line if either one of us was chucking a wobbly about going to school. Not going to school for one day was not going to send the men in blue over with handcuffs to cart my parents off to jail.
* This sounds way more horrific than it actually was, he was laughing as he was saying it and my mum was saying ‘Don! Don’t be mean!’ and then followed up with a very detailed explanation of how she can vouch for the fact that I was indeed not adopted because she had personally pushed my ‘boofhead out her vagina’.[divider type=”standard” width=”1/1″ el_position=”first last”]
What lies did your parents tell you when you were growing up?
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