Sponsored by Chicago PD
I
have a weird little thing that I don’t like to talk about because it makes me sound like a weirdo but I’m going to tell you anyway – I really like to read about horrible stuff.
I feel a bit strange about it but I felt slightly better when I was at my favourite second-hand book store recently (Canty’s in Canberra – it’s the bomb!) and the lovely lady in there told me that they call that particular genre Misery Literature. Apparently it’s very popular which is equal parts comforting and disturbing for someone like me who enjoys reading about poor kids growing up in Ireland. Comforting to know that other people enjoy it but also disturbing that there are so many weirdos out there like me that are into misery porn too.
I also love Misery TV and consequently the list of my favourite shows is pretty bleak – Breaking Bad, American Horror Story, Luther, Orphan Black, True Detective, Law & Order SVU, Dexter, Boardwalk Empire. A viewing of any of these will render me sleepless and very aware of the fact that I’m going to die someday, so it seems rather fitting to be teaming up with the TV show Chicago PD which is just about to air in Australia this month. The producer of Chicago PD is Dick Wolf from Law & Order: SVU and quite frankly, after watching a sneak preview while I was on the treadmill recently, I’m sold already. Chicago PD is more cop focused than Law & Order (I still love Olivia and Elliot though!) but cop shows are totally up my ally – I’ve been all over The Wire recently and I also love those real life cop shows like RBT and Highway Patrol. I’m so very in. Also crime shows are very socially acceptable and a lot less creepy than the books I read so it’s a major win in all departments.
While I was watching my sneak preview of the first episode it got me thinking how bizarrely formulaic the character relationships are in almost every crime show I watch. Being the misery TV addict that I am, I’ve got a fairly decent grasp on what combination of characters create the best crime shows. I’ve narrowed it down to the top 7… do let me know if I’m missing any.
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The Hot/Socially Inept/Weird Male Lead
Examples: Dexter in Dexter and Luther in Luther
The male lead needs to be unconventionally attractive, rude to almost every one especially their co-workers, they should live in a sparsely decorated house and should resist romantic dalliances at all costs… until the Bad Ass Throaty Voiced Female Lead comes at him. He’ll resist and then melt into a pool of lovesick jelly.
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The Loveable Side Kick of the Hot/Socially Inept Male Lead
Examples: Watson in Sherlock, Masuka in Dexter and Ripley in Luther
The sidekick should be much jollier than the male lead and everyone should think he’s a bit useless until he’s really tested and pulls through for The Hot/Socially Inept Male Lead like you always knew he would. This is the part where you tear up over the unlikely bro-mance between two cops from different backgrounds who grew to love each other in unexpected and dangerous circumstances.
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The Hot/Broken/Weird Female Lead
Examples: Olivia Pope in Scandal, Sara Sidle CSI, Erin Lindsay in Chicago PD
The Hot/Broken/Weird Female lead usually has a secret like she was locked in a cupboard for a week by a mad man when she was a kid and then you find out in season 5 that the cop that rescued her is actually The Older Gentleman Cop Who You’re Strangely Attracted To
Even Though He’s The Same Age As Your Dad/Grandfather and that’s why there’s always been that chemistry between them. It goes without saying that The Hot/Broken/Weird Female Lead and The Hot/Socially Inept/Weird Male Lead will date and break up quite regularly.
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The Kooky Female Specialist
Examples: Abby in NCIS and Penelope Garcia in Criminal Minds
You’ve got to have a kooky lady who works in the office who’s whip smart, super sassy and loved by all the characters on the show. Audiences will often be lead to think that The Kooky Female Specialist and The Hot/Socially Inept/Weird Male Lead will hook up but it rarely happens. She’ll usually end up marrying The Loveable Side Kick of the Hot/Socially Inept/Weird Male Lead when she’s the last to figure out that he’s been lusting after her for 9 seasons.
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Bad-Ass Throaty Voiced Female Lead
Examples: Oliver Benson in Law & Order: SVU and Debra Morgan in Dexter
Always statuesque, always mysterious and very often sporting enormous low hip-slung belts with all manner of guns and police paraphernalia dangling from it, no crime show is complete without a fantastic female lead that makes every little girl want to be a detective or a lawyer or the type of woman who slams the door in the face of any chump who dares to disrespect her.
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Older Gentleman Cop Who You’re Strangely Attracted To Even Though He’s The Same Age As Your Dad/Grandfather
Examples: Ducky in NCIS, Captain Jim Brass from CSI and Hank Voight in Chicago PD
See: The Hot/Broken/Weird Female Lead
The Older Gentleman Cop Who You’re Strangely Attracted To Even Though He’s The Same Age As Your Dad/Grandfather is an essential character to a good crime show. He keeps The Hot/Socially Inept/Weird Male Lead in line when he’s losing the plot, he plays the perfect (and sometimes secretly biological) father figure to The Hot/Broken/Weird Female Lead and builds up the confidence of The Loveable Side Kick of the Hot/Socially Inept Male Lead when he does something stupid like leave the keys in the ignition of the cop car while on a drug bust.
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The Good/Bad Guy Who You Keep Forgiving For Committing Horrific Crimes And You Don’t Know Why
Examples: Luther in Luther and Dexter in Dexter
Note: Sometimes the The Good Guy/Bad Guy is also the Socially Inept Male Lead but not always.
Let’s be straight here: Dexter and Luther are both murderers. Pretty hard-core ones although Dexter is arguable ‘worse’ than Luther but then again that’s kind of debatable. A horrific murderer that you love and root for while they’re slicing and dicing their latest victim is a must have for a good crime romp. You’ve really got to be questioning your morals by the time the credits roll… that’s where the magic happens.
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If you want to get your crime fix Chicago PD airs on 20th November at 8.30pm with a double episode premiere. I don’t want to say anything to spoil it but Herrmann from Chicago Fire is in it! AKA Steve from Sex and the City! Whatever show David Eigenberg is in, he will always be Steve to me. So get ready to shout ‘STEVE, STEVE, STEVE!‘ when he pops up. Fun times.
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What’s your favourite ever crime show or movie? Oh and do you think I missed any essential characters?
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