ometimes when I’ve shared a bottle of wine (or two) with my girlfriends, I come up with some ripper ideas for articles on Smaggle. The One Thing I Wish I Could Un-see, I Have No Idea What It Feels Like To Be Skinny and Things I Did That I Never Told My Parents About are some of the more successful expats that made the transition from tipsy slurring to semi-coherant words on a screen. I have pages and pages of notes in my phone for potential articles simply because I have no problems stopping with my mates mid-sentence and shrieking ‘WAIT WAIT WAIT!!!!’ while I jot down whatever it was that triggered my writer’s boner. Most of the time I can patch together something mildly entertaining from my notes but I do sometimes stumble upon the odd one that makes me wonder why I am even still allowed on the internet. These are the articles I will never, ever write.
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I can only assume that this was going to be an intricate thought piece where I listed a bunch of things that are obviously super great and need no explanation as to why people like these things. I wish I had elaborated more on this idea but there actually isn’t anywhere to go with that. Receiving sex IS awesome. Thought for the day. As you were.
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I do know that this article was supposed to be a fun, quippy 5 Things My Primary School Netball Team Taught Me About Friendships kind of thing and I spent hours nutting the whole thing out with my bestie while we played cards in her kitchen and sang jazz songs. It was going to be brilliant, we went into minute detail about the personality traits of Goal Shooters and how Goal Keepers have adequacy issues. I’m pretty sure Huffpo would have picked it up if I had taken better notes than ‘Goal defence is the shit postion.’. That’s what you get for drinking doubles on a Tuesday night.
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How to Trick Your Year 5 Class Into Thinking That You’re Sober
1. Tell them all that it’s Wobbly Walking Day and you’re falling over ON PURPOSE
2. Pretend it’s Science Day and give them a bunch of paddle pop sticks and some Bi Carb soda and have a nap in the corner
3. When you puke in the recycling bin tell them that you’re pregnant! Hooray!
4. When they catch you sneaking mini Mars Bars out of the class treat box tell them that you’re pregnant! Hooray!
5. OMG KARAOKE!!!!
Seriously, where was I going to go with this?
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Perhaps this was supposed to be a retrospective piece about how life is reminiscent of a balcony. A very small balcony. Was I trapped on a balcony? And taking notes on my phone rather than using it to call a human to come and help me? Who knows? I sure as hell don’t.
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I assume that this is a theoretical sex toy that I invented. My gross-ness has no limits.
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