This post was originally published in 2015
Like most children of the 90s, I grew up on a steady musical diet of Alanis Morissette and Courtney Love. As a result, when I transitioned into adulthood, I had to re-teach myself that the world didn’t hate me and wasn’t out to get me. Jagged Little Pill taught me that life was just one big disappointment after another for which a combination of unsuitable men and whisky was the only cure. Now that I’m a little older and a little wiser, I’ve mastered a mind trick that has saved me (on multiple occasions) from diving head first into bed with any handsome dickhead with a half decent bottle of Jack Daniels (pre-Mr Smaggle of course) whenever life has given me a proverbial kick in my nether regions. Here’s what I do.
I force myself to have realistic expectations about life.
You probably aren’t going to want to hear this but most of the time, our disappointment is our own fault because we set ridiculous expectations for the way our lives should pan out and the way people should treat us. Even if you’re a fairly logical person, everyone has the ability to over-expect things in life. We expect too much from our jobs, from our partners, from our kids, from our friends and in the end we end up feeling more disappointed than we really should.
Take jobs for instance. A few years ago a teacher friend of mine had been at her school for six years, so it was kind of her ‘turn’ to be made permanent that year. She applied, had one of those weird interviews with her existing boss and was feeling super excited about being a permanent member of staff. The executive teachers ended up giving the permanent position to someone else and she was devastated. The sad thing is that I saw it coming. The other teacher who got the permanent job was more qualified, had more experience and at that stage in her career was more valuable to the school. It was heartbreaking to watch because my friend is a wonderful teacher and really deserved the permanent job but she ignored the facts of the situation and ended up deeply disappointed.
Relationships are another whopping great catalyst for causing undue disappointment. This comes not only from unrealistic expectations but also comparative expectations. For example when I was in university, I was dating this guy casually but I was getting a bit keen for it turn into an exclusive scenario. One of my girlfriends had recently put an ultimatum on a guy she was dating, saying she wanted to go exclusive or she’d have to break it off. He promptly asked her to be his girlfriend and invited her over to meet his parents that night. I thought that sounded flipping sweet, so next time I saw my guy, I gave him the ultimatum and waited to be showered with affection and promise rings. Needless to say that didn’t happen. Actually nothing happened, he didn’t say anything at all because he was really stoned at the time and didn’t even remember us having the conversation a week later when he booty called me. My best mate cajoled me at the time, saying he was an asshole but he really wasn’t. The majority of my disappointment came from me randomly deciding what his reaction to my question was going to be and getting upset when he did something different. If I had looked at the facts honestly, I would have known that Stoney McStonerson wasn’t going to be the Prince Charming I was looking for. I also would have been a lot less upset when he fell asleep instead of answering me when I asked him if he wanted to be my boyfriend.
None of this means that you aren’t allowed to ugly cry into a box of tissues while watching Bridget Jones’s Diary after a break up. You’re also more than entitled to self-medicate Lindsay-Lohen-style at lunch time on a Wednesday after you’ve just been fired from your job. I’m just suggesting that if you have realistic expectations in the first place, it’ll soften the blow and speed up the recovery time.
So the next time you feel really disappointed by something ask yourself this question.
Did I have realistic expectations about the outcome of this situation?
You’re going to have more unsuccessful interviews than successful ones. Your boyfriend is not going to propose to you more times than he will. Your kids are going to clean their room one time for every four thousand times you want them to. These are facts and they won’t change, so the sooner you accept them, the less crushed you’ll be when you don’t get that job you applied for or that cutie from the bar doesn’t call you back.
Also, don’t you dare let this article stop you from striving to acheive your goals. That’s not the point I’m trying to make at all. Goals are different to expectations. No one can take your goals away from you but almost anyone can under-deliver on an expectation. Ditch your expectations and concentrate on your goals. You’ll be so much happier, I promise.
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Do you think your expectations might be making you miserable?
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