‘m somewhat of an internet veteran and if there’s a mistake you can make on the internet, I can guarantee I’ve made it multiple times. It takes a bit of practice to learn to drive the old interwebs so here’s a handy guide for How Not To Be A Dick On The Internet… from someone who has definitely been a dick on the internet on more than one occasion.
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Accept apologies
In the last few days I’ve seen many celebrities, companies and brands make genuine public apologies for accidentally causing offence through their words and actions. Women’s Health Magazine apologised for their inappropriate body painted models at the I Support Women in Sport awards ceremony, Mark Holden apologised for his rather weird clown performance on Dancing With The Stars and Mia Freedman apologised for her clumsy and unfortunate analogy of comparing the rehabilitation of pedophiles to the rehabilitation of homosexuals. In every single one of these cases there have been dozens of people who have commented along the lines of ‘Too little late.’ ‘Apology NOT accepted!’ or ‘Should never have happened in the first place!’. We’re all human, we all make mistakes and once someone issues a decent public apology, that should be it. Unless someone has slaughtered a litter of kittens, blown up a shopping mall or been intentionally racist or offensive, then they deserve the opportunity to ask for and receive forgiveness for their unintentional mistakes. A slip of the tongue or a badly worded analogy is not cause for pitch forks, so if someone genuinely apologises, I always accept it and move on.
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Understand the difference between fact and opinion
I recently saw an article about Hugh Jackman and this guy commented on the Facebook post saying ‘Deborah Lee Furness is ugly. Fact.’ This guy is 100% incorrect. It’s not a fact that Deborah Lee Furness is ugly, it’s his opinion. I think she’s gorgeous which also isn’t a fact, it’s my opinion. I think healthy debate is excellent and it should happen more often but too many people fall back on abuse as the crutch of their argument. If I’m having an internet argument, I always imagine that I’ve got two roads I can choose to go down.
Response A: ‘You’ve said some things that I don’t agree with and here are some facts to back up my argument.’
Response B: ‘You’re a fuckwit.’
As tempting as it is to go with the latter comment, the former will be far more effective and will leave me looking less like a douchebag. Always choose Response A.
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Always assume the best in people
I once wrote an article about education in Australia and I said that rural universities accept lower scores from out-of-town students if they pay full tuition up front and move to the rural city, I was unaware that this practice had stopped in the last year or two. I had a commenter point this out to me in what felt like an aggressive manner, where they quoted what I said and asked for clarification. I replied that it was my understanding that what I wrote was correct, and if this practice had changed I would love to know more about it. She replied in a really positive manner and we had a great conversation about it. I could have taken major offence, bit back and had a horrible argument but instead, I assumed she had good intentions and it turns out, she did. Never assume that people are out to get you, because most of the time they’re just asking for clarification. I’m always overly sensitive when I get things wrong but that’s my problem as a self publisher, not the problem of the people who stumble upon my mistakes. I need to keep reminding myself of that so I can reply to all comments with a clear and level head.
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But sometimes assume the worst in people
You have to imagine that the internet is a street. When you walk down a real street, most people are courteous and kind. Some people however are aggressive and intoxicated and they’ll yell incoherent things at you as you walk by. If ever anyone says anything to you on the internet that’s abusive, threatening or just plain weird, you need to imagine that they’re a gross drunk dude in the street, with vomit on his t-shirt, who’s yelling crap at you as they walk by. How much time do you give to people like this on the street? None. So don’t waste your time on the internet equivalent. It’s just not worth it.
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Reply with rainbows and unicorn sparkles
Some people just don’t fucking understand how easy it is for people to misread their tone!!! AM I RIGHT???
Passion often expresses itself in metric-fuck-tonnes of swearing, multiple punctuation marks(!!!) and CAPITAL LETTERS which usually comes across as unnecessarily aggressive. Try keeping your tone light, use smiley faces wherever possible (I love smiley faces!) and always end a comment on a positive note. Fairy floss hooray!!!
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Read everything properly before you throw your opinion out there
There was a rather large ruckus not long ago about a teacher at a special needs school in Victoria that shaved the underarms of one her students. The mother went public with the story and lots of people started posting about it in utter outrage on their Facebook walls saying how the teacher should be sacked and thrown in jail. People love to get all riled up about supposed injustices without bothering to check out the facts. I wrote a response to the harsh public criticism of this teacher and I wasn’t surprised when no one really cared. Internet dicks love gossip, they love a scandal and they love jumping on the bandwagon to support ‘causes’ that they are misinformed about. It’s fine to have an opinion but it’s better to have an informed one. It’s also great to question things and ask for answers but it’s important to leave the discussion lines open for a mature and respectful debate. I always check my sources before I go all social vigilante on Facebook because it’s really embarrassing to get it wrong. I know from experience.
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