I’m extremely anal-retentive (pardon the pun) when it comes to doing number twos in a public toilet. I can cope with number ones but only if everything looks clean and I haven’t just come from the gym. Hovering is a bitch when you’ve just done 4 sets of 20 bottom-half squats. I really try my hardest to never let the boat out of Vegemite Valley unless I’m in the comfort of my own home. However if I’m really touching cotton and the situation is getting desperate, here’s my Public Toilet Pooing Guide for those of you who need a little…erm… assistance.
Choose your moment
There’s no freaking way I’m polluting the pond if there are other people around to smell it or hear it. I’ll clamp up like a Venus fly trap if someone interrupts me. If you’re the same, don’t do poos at lunch time, the traffic is heinous. Early mornings are good if you work in an office and just after lunch will also provide a sweet spot of solitude. Try to sniff out a secret toilet that no one knows about or one that’s out of the way. It’s totally worth the walk for a private moment.
Use your digits wisely
Have you ever seen one of those shows where they spray the radioactive gunk all over the public bathroom and it’s swimming with parasitic amoebas and germs that actually move? This is why you need to embrace the use of the little finger. I try not to touch anything in the toilet at all. So I use my little finger for any in-toilet engineering that may be required. Lifting the toilet lid? Simply flick it up with your little finger. Scared of door handle germs? Spin the lock with your little finger. Lets not get too handsy with the germs in the toilet okay? Oh and wash your hands, concentrating on your littlest friend.
Splash back prevention
Let’s just get this straight. I’m always completely disgusted by splash back. It’s made marginally less gross if it’s water from my own toilet or the toilet of a particularly clean friend. Public toilet splash back? There’s scarcely enough disinfectant in the world to deal with germs on that scale. Prevent the need for a bleach bath with this splash back prevention tip. Bunch up some toilet paper and put it in the toilet BEFORE you drop the scone. Think of it as a nest. You’re welcome.
The Courtesy Flush
This tip for those of you who can actually follow through after someone has interrupted your privacy. The second I hear that door swing open, it’s all over for me. I’m closed for business. If you aren’t as rectally challenged as I am though you can employ the Courtesy Flush. The second you’ve finished launching the torpedo give the toilet a quick flush. Even before you wipe. The stink gets worse the longer it stews. Don’t give it a chance to get too comfortable. Flush that kranski down. Do be aware of flush splash though, best to hover while employing the Courtesy Flush.
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