I had a reader write to me this week and she’s completely heart-broken because two of her best mates are having a fight. It’s so bloody awful when that happens (especially when you’re adults: grown ups be STUBBORN man!) because it leaves her in this terrible position where she still loves both of her friends but they’d rather eat a rusty nail and slime salad than be in the same room together. Here are a few tips for how to cope when your grown up friends are fighting.
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Acknowledge it
You can’t pretend like it isn’t happening so if one (or both) of them wants to talk about it, let it happen. Don’t pick sides and for god’s sake don’t tell them what each other said, just be sensitive to the situation. For example group texting them is probably not a good idea right now and I’d avoid tagging them together on social media for a while too.
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Be Neutral
Unless one of them is being an utter dick, most grown up fights are simply about a misunderstanding. If you value your friendship with both of these people you need to remain neutral. That means no bitching, no siding and no gossiping back and forth between them. It’s really tempting to join in but the only way to get your friendship circle back together is to remain in the neutral zone.
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Resist the urge to vaguebook
People think they are being so cryptic and clever when they leave status updates like ‘Caught in the middle. (insert sad smiley)’. Everyone will know what you’re talking about so just don’t go there. If you need to talk to someone, choose a real life friend who doesn’t know your other two friends. Passive aggressiveness is the enemy of peace.
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Gently guide a reconciliation
Again, don’t take sides but gently push your friends to try to see each other again. Say things like ‘She really misses you… I’m sure that’s not what she meant… she’d be devastated if she knew that she hurt you…‘. Keep your words positive and say the same thing to both parties. That way you come out smelling like roses when they reconcile… and if they don’t reconcile then there’s no harm done.
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Give it time
When a person hurts another person, it can take AGES for them to be okay again. If your friends have forgiven each other, don’t rush them. Let things go back to normal in their own time or let the friendship start a new phase that’s different to the old one. Things change and people change so as long as your mates aren’t staring pointy daggers at each other from opposite ends of a party then accept it and move on. Civility might be the best they can manage right now.
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