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Come on. You know who I am talking about. Shoulder Lurkers! This socially stunted breed of human usually resides in some kind of office. They seem drawn to finance and technical support but sometimes they weasel their way in to management or PR. They’ll walk quietly into your office and lurk behind you until your skin crawls down your back as you sense the creepy psychopath blowing their stale breath down your neck. You then turn around after having shit your pants and then Jack the Ripper will start a perfectly normal conversation as if this is an acceptable way to gain a persons attention. Shoulder Lurkers like to see what you’re doing and they obviously get their kicks from watching you when you don’t realise they are doing it. Shoulder Lurkers seem blissfully unaware of the unspoken rule of making a small announcement as you enter someone else office. A simple greeting or small knock on the door are generally considered the correct form but the creepy S.L tip toe in, undetected and wait silently until they are caught. Perhaps the creepiest trait of all is that they don’t seem to show any shame when they are caught. Like as if you have just sprung them having a wank and they just go about their business as if nothing strange has happened. These are the people that turn into Panty Sniffers and Toe Lickers. I’ll leave those ones for another Hava-Rant Monday…
A similarly weird social slug is the Long Pauser. I come across these people more regularly than the Shoulder Lurkers. Shoulder Lurkers are quite rare and creepy. Long Pausers are mostly prominent over the phone and are mind-numbingly annoying. Here is an example conversation that I had today with a Long Pauser.
Lady Smaggle – Good morning, The Place Where I Work Centre this is Lady Smaggle, how may I help you?
Long Pauser – Hello. Long pause….. This is Long Pauser. Long Pause….. (I don’t actually know Long Pauser. The long pause was entirely out of place as if Long Pauser was waiting for recognition. It’s an enquiries line. No one knows who you are at the other end of an enquiries line)
Lady Smaggle – Yes? How can I help you?
Long Pauser – I’m calling from Sydney. Long pause…..
Lady Smaggle – …yep.
Long Pauser – I was wondering if you could give me some information?
Lady Smaggle – Sure! No worries! What can I help you with?
Long Pauser – Well I’m calling from Sydney. Long pause…..
Lady Smaggle – Yeah, so how can I help you?
Long Pauser – Long pause….. Well I was wondering when the next available testing date is?
Lady Smaggle – 6th September.
Long Pauser – Oh. Long pause….. You don’t have anything sooner?
Lady Smaggle – Nope. 6th September is the next available test.
Long Pauser – REALLY LONG PAUSE……….. Are you sure?
At this stage I’m banging the phone against my forehead and trying desperately to escape to my happy place, where unicorns frolic in meadows of jelly and where people talk at efficient speeds and I am no longer at risk of developing a frustration induced aneurysm.
Well my pretties it’s your turn! Who pissed you off today? Who made you so angry that you wanted to fling yourself to the floor and chuck a massive tanty? Don’t yell at the douche bag who upset you. That will make you look like a jerk. Tell Lady Smaggle instead! You’ll feel SO MUCH BETTER…
Love Lady Smaggle
xxx