Yes, I have a 9 to 5 job. I do wish that I lived in a rent free tree house with a tiny easy-bake oven to make delicious treats with and I could write my blog and eat muffins all day but I need things to live like toothpaste, underwear and sherbet and I only earn around eighty-three cents a day from my blog and that barely covers my sherbet so that explains the whole full time job thing.
To be honest it’s not too bad. I have a delightful work buddy (Browny) and the work itself is rather interesting and rewarding. Unfortunately this work requires people to submit application forms. Now we all know that Bitch Face Smaggle rears her ugly head at least once a week but everyday I’m having serious issues with people who CAN’T FILL OUT APPLICATION FORMS. It’s really not that hard. Here are a few tips for those people who can’t seem to follow simple instructions.
* Write your given name in the section that says ‘given name’. Write your family name in the section that says ‘family name’. Your given name is your first name, the name that people call you most of the time. And your family name? That’s the other name that you have and it’s generally the same as all, if not some, of your immediate family members. If you’re still having issues with this incredibly complicated task you can always check your passport, birth certificate or marriage certificate. Any of these documents will hold the answer. And no, I don’t know whether or not you changed your name when you got married. That’s a really stupid question.
* 2008 is not the year that you were born.
* Similarly, 21 Loser Street is not your address. Do you mean Loser Street in Dicktown? Or Loser Street in Stupidville? Postcode? State? And you wonder why you never receive mail from us.
* ++66114363 789 5873 12354 – That’s not your phone number. It might be what shows up when you call a mobile phone from Alaska but it’s not an actual dial-able number.
* When we ask who your next of kin is we generally require more information than ‘my mum’.
* If you could refrain from eating, cooking or spitting curry on your application form I’d appreciate it. Diarrhoea coloured smears upset me.
* I’m sorry but sometimes I can’t tell if you are male or female from your photo. That’s why I need you to tick the male or female box. Your gender is not a secret. Just tick a bloody box.
* You should only tick the box on the checklist if you have actually completed the task. Ticking the box will not photocopy your passport or certify it. And ticking the box will not make me think that you have done this. DO IT and then tick the box, you self-satisfying weirdo.
* Fold your application and place it neatly in the envelope. Don’t scrunch it up in your hand, cram it in a too small post pack and tape it to within an inch of it’s life so I receive a lumpy package that, quite frankly, looks like a bomb. It’s really unnerving.
What’s got your goat today my love?
Love Lady Smaggle
P.S I’ve changed ‘Hava-Rant’ to ‘Have A Rant’. I’ve developed a serious aversion to this kind of language butchering. Like ‘Kiddie Korner’ and ‘Chickin-2-Go’. It’s not clever, it’s not witty and I apologise for subjecting you all to it for so long.