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Oh controversial! It’s not a Monday rant! Well guess what? My anger is not exclusive to Mondays. So it’ll be lucky dip ranting from now on.
Today’s rant is dedicated to the people who use my office bathroom. I have a few requests for you…
* Don’t leave muddy footprints on the toilet seat. Don’t put your feet up there at all. I understand the issues of hygiene, believe me, I’m a Virgo. Just ask someone about the pleasures of hovering. This way your na-na stays clean and so does the toilet for next person who wants to use it.
* Don’t put used toilet paper in the sanitary bin. They get too full, too quickly and the poor ladies who do use those bins correctly have no where to put their… erm… more offensive rubbish.
* Don’t pour an entire bottle of water over the seat and floor. It’s gross and weird.
* Don’t leave the tap running while you do your hair, re-apply lipstick or dry your hands. We are in a drought. And please don’t stare daggers at me when I turn the tap off. Bitching about me for turning off the tap in another language while I’m standing right there is also uncool.
* Don’t talk to your friends on the phone while you do your business. It makes me feel like you are talking to me, and that gives me stage fright.
* Don’t cram McDonald’s take-away coffee cups into the sanitary bin. It makes absolutely no sense for you to do this because you have to walk past a legitimate bin to get into the toilet. You big, big weirdo.
* Don’t smear unidentifiable goop on the handles of the door. It’s virtually impossible to get out of the toilet without touching the handle and no one wants to touch toilet handle slime.
* Don’t take half an industrial sized roll of toilet paper, rip it into tiny shreds and have a toilet paper confetti party. I understand that this might be fun for you but you are clearly under stimulated and easily pleased. This is behaviour that would be typical of a two year old. Bang some pots together or eat your own snot. It will be equally as satisfying and way less intolerable.
* Don’t eat your lunch, read a book, email a friend or practice your singing in there. It’s a toilet. There is no need for you to be in there for longer than a few minutes tops. The activities that I just mentioned do not require the use of a toilet. What I need to do does. So please don’t labour in there.
Oh and while we are on the subject of toilets (aren’t we always here at Smaggle???) I was having a chat with one of my mates recently and we both have the same toilet quirk of not doing number two’s in public bathrooms. On the off chance that we absolutely HAVE to then we will, but we WILL NOT under any circumstances, send the boat out of Vegemite Valley while there is another person in the bathroom. We clench and wait for solitude.
Does anyone else do this? Is this too much of an over share? What are your pet-bathroom peeves? If you have ever been to school, a shopping centre, a pub or an office building you are bound to have a filthy public bathroom story. Share it with me on this lovely Saturday afternoon…
Love Lady Smaggle
xxx