This rant is aimed squarely at all the ‘hip’ new cocktail bars that are springing up, uninvited I might add, in my previously dull and blissfully boring city. Every week some millionaire property owner opens a new bar on a derelict street, wanting to pimp it as a funky new district. I don’t mind the actual bars themselves. They usually have very flattering lighting, sinful cocktails, grope-worthy bar tenders and funky DJ’s. They also have ridiculously ambivalent toilet signs. I may be old school in my opinion on this but I need a very clear FEMALE or MALE sign with both words and a little picture of a man in pants or a lady in a dress. When bathroom matters are involved there is no place for suggestion. I need clear cut directions. I went to a new restaurant last week and after one too many glasses of wine I sauntered off to the toilet. I swear both signs were identical. They were a weird mass of glittery swirls and I couldn’t find any indication of sex on either of them. I must have stood there for two whole minutes until finally one of the impossibly cute waiters tapped the correct door and said ‘This one love, can you see the F?’ I smiled politely and walked through the door but in my head I was screaming ‘No I can’t see the F! I’ll give you an F! Your trendy mullet sucks and your door signs are redundant!’. I actually went back to have a second go and I stared at the mofo like it was a magic eye picture and I still couldn’t get it.
The inappropriateness of these signs is beyond belief especially as most of the people who use these toilets are drunk. Well I usually am. The main Irish pub in my city has ‘Mya’ and ‘Fir’ or something like that written on the toilets. Presumably they mean male and female but how would one know this? Especially when one has had four Guiness’ and the cover band is starting to play ‘500 Miles’ and you need to get back to the dance floor pronto. Thankfully it’s always so busy with regulars that I can usually find the bathroom by following one of the intoxicated, muffin-top sporting eighteen year olds that frequent this particular pub. However I’m still miffed that I have to rely on the habits of the great unwashed to find my way in this maze of hell they like to call public bathrooms.
Amongst all this mayhem my question is this – why? I get that clubs and pubs want to do the designer thing but surely someone can design a pleasing toilet sign that actually indicates whether or not vaginas are welcome. Otherwise you’ll have a drunk Lady Smaggle squinting and stumbling outside the toilets and accusing poor defenceless waiters of having bad hair. What happens if one of the afore mentioned muffin toppers accidentally leads me into the male toilet? I’m traumatised just thinking about it.
What about you my lovely? What’s got you all cranky this week?
Love Lady Smaggle
xxx