Today’s rant is dedicated to the stupid whore who tried (unsuccessfully) to spade Mr Smaggle in Ali Baba last week. For my international readers, Ali Baba is a Canberra chain of 24 hour kebab stores that are frequented by hobos and drunkards on Saturday nights. Mr Smaggle and I were included amongst the riff-raff last week, after dancing the night away in a Russian themed bar we stumbled there in search of a gluten-free midnight snack. I minced my way over to the corner (my feet were very angry with me) and sat down while Mr Smaggle ordered. The seemingly innocent girl in front of him (Lets call her ‘Slut’ shall we?) ordered a gluten-free wrap and was positively outraged when they said they didn’t have any gluten-free bread left so she begrudgingly ordered a salad instead. Here is the conversation that insued…
Slut – (to the guy behind the counter) What? You don’t have any gluten free bread? What the hell? Fine. I’ll have a salad… (Her gaze wanders drunkenly over to a rather dapper looking Mr Smaggle)
Mr Smaggle – (Jauntily – to the guy behind the counter) So you don’t have any gluten-free bread then…? No worries I’ll just grab a salad.
Slut – (Trying to be sexy) … I like you…
Mr Smaggle – Hm.
Slut – I’m gluten-intolerant too!
Mr Smaggle – Yeah it’s a pain isn’t it…
Slut – Oh my god it’s sooooo annoying …blah blah blah (I don’t actually remember what she said at this point I was busy planning to rip her eyeballs out)
Mr Smaggle – Yep…uh-huh…really…. (Completely uncomfortable and irritated but trying to be polite. Bless him)
Slut – (Receives her food) Nice talking to you… see you later…(trails of suggestively… the tarty strumpet.)
Mr Smaggle – Yep. Bye. (Looks at me and rolls his eyes)
(Slut and Slut’s side-kick both turn to look at me)
Slut’s side-kick – Oh my god. Looks like your gluten-free boyfriend has a girlfriend. You are SO MUCH hotter than her. (Hair flick and strut away)
Seriously how rude is that? It was completely inappropriate. It was also totally untrue. I’m not saying that in a bitchy mean way but this girl was really plain and took zero pride in her appearance. I won the hotness race by default simply because I wash my hair. It made me so angry that Slut Side-kick automatically started doing the bitch flick at me because I was a ‘threat’ to her friend. Since when did it become acceptable for girls to try and pick up guys who show absolutely no interest in them, and then start abusing their girlfriends because they get shot down? Believe me, Mr Smaggle was not turning her down on my behalf… he generally dislikes messy, intoxicated bitches without my encouragement. The polite thing to do would have been to have swallowed her pride, realised her error and moved onto another tall, slender and gorgeous coeliac. There are plenty of them to go around! But no… the She-devil decides to send her little lap-dog in at her defence. Defence of what? I didn’t do anything! I didn’t even say anything! Mr Smaggle and I left Ali Baba feeling really sorry that horribly deluded girls like that even exist. We were even sadder that they apparently spent their Saturday evenings tormenting perfectly happy couples trying to have a romantic kebab in peace.
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Love Lady Smaggle
xxx