I don’t know what to call that dude I live with

This will probably come as an enormous shock to some of you but Mr Smaggle and I aren’t actually married. You can un-subscribe if you want to, I’ll totally understand. The reason I call him Mr Smaggle is because it was the fashion in blogging back then to call your man ‘Mr Insert Blog Title Here’. When I tried to change him to ‘Ben’ a few years later my readers went ape-shit and demanded that I return to calling him by his full and respected title: Mr Smaggle. Easy. Trying to decide what to call him in real life however, is much harder.

This issue has been nawing at me for a while. I really struggle with what to call Mr Smaggle when people ask me if I’m married. I work in a creative industry and I meet about 10 new people every week. Inevitably over a disgusting glass of warm champagne at an event, someone will ask me ‘Are you married?’ to which I reply ‘No, I have a…’ and then I’m kind of stumped. What do I have? What word is there to describe a man who is, for all intents and purposes, my husband but we just haven’t signed a piece of paper? All of the usual labels just seem wildly inappropriate to describe the man who I’ve chosen to spend my life with. Here are my current options and their respective consequences. It’s pretty bleak.

If I say boyfriend

‘Boyfriend’ sounds like we spend every weekend at the roller rink eating Red Skins, drinking chocolate milkshakes and having sneaky dry humps inside the bus shelter. I used it for the first two years that we dated but once we moved into together and starting buying things like couches, it felt silly to say ‘boyfriend’.

If I say partner

It’s assumed that I’m referring to my business partner or my lesbian lover. Either assumption is totally fine but both are incorrect, so this answer always requires an extra explanation. I am also not too fond of ‘partner’ because it’s a runner-up word. It’s insulting to some same-sex couples who want to marry but can’t and it’s simply beige for couples like Mr Smaggle and I who choose not to marry but feel like ‘partner’ is an under-representation of our relationship. Also we aren’t ‘partners’ like lawyers, we’re long term lovers and we shouldn’t have to share a plural noun.

If I say man friend

I’m clearly meeting him in a seedy hotel on his lunch break while his wife thinks he’s at the gym.

If I say Ben

The response is ‘Who’s Ben?’ and then I’m back at square one. Either that or I’m left explaining how the hell I’m old enough to have a grown up son called Ben that picked me up from the airport on the weekend.

If I say defacto

I sound like I’m filling out a government benefits form. I’m also pretty sure if Mr Smaggle ever heard me call him my defacto, he’d permanently lose any ability to get a hard on. It’s such an un-sexy word.

If I say husband

It’s fine because people understand the word ‘husband’ and they don’t need any clarification or elaboration. My only problem with this one is if I happen to be in earshot of someone who knows I’m not married. They’ll inevitably start shrieking that I’m not married and it gets really awkward. I don’t necessarily want to call Mr Smaggle my husband (I’m extemely non-plussed about marriage) but sometimes it’s just easier than any of the other options.

What do you think?

Are you partnered up? Married? Divorced? What words do you, or have you used to describe a person that you’re in a relationship with?