few months ago I wrote on Facebook about an incident that happened on a quiet Saturday night. My partner had expressed a desire for a biscuit and the shops were about to close. I leapt to my feet, bolted down the street, got to Woolies just in time and came home with 2 packets of his favourite gluten free Ginger Nuts. The point of the post was to outline the hilarity of me having to walk back past all the people who I hysterically bolted past just seconds before, clutching nothing more than a couple of packets of biscuits to show for my panicked sprint down Smith Street.
Several of the comments that followed this update perplexed me a little. Comments along the lines of ‘He better appreciate that!’ or ‘Why couldn’t he do it himself?’. I’m sure there was a loss of translation that accounts for at least part of my annoyance but it got me thinking about the way that men and women are perceived within their relationships and how gender stereotypes are harder to shake than we think.
This isn’t an online exclusive by the way, infact it’s worse in real life. I once told married friends of ours that I bring my partner breakfast and an espresso in bed every morning and they nearly choked on their Pad Thai. The wife said I was ‘making her look bad’ and the husband wearily enquired what my partner does to deserve that… like as if I would only do something nice for him because he did something nice first.
What I find even more interesting is that if I write or talk about my partner doing something sweet for me, the comments I get are very different. If I post a picture of a breakfast he made for me, complete with a heart shaped sauce drawing on the plate I get comments like this – ‘He’s a keeper!’ and ‘You’re so lucky!’ – Thoughtful gestures from women directed at men are seen as submissive and thoughtful gestures from men directed at women are seen as gentlemanly. It’s a bit bullshit quite frankly.
Consider this. If I had done a midnight mad-dash to the supermarket for a girlfriend of mine, I would have been congratulated for being such a lovely and supportive friend. So why is it different when I do nice things for the man I love?
I don’t care whether or not other couples do nice things for each other. I certainly encourage it but if other people want to live a life that’s ruled by paybacks and tallies of who’s turn it is to do a nice thing, to the point where they won’t even share a chocolate bar with each other, that’s not really my concern. What does concern me is the implication that I’m a doormat for packing Mr Smaggle a lunchbox every day and he’s a hero for making me a cup of tea. It’s a bit insulting.
We’ve been together for just shy of 10 years. We’re well past our honeymoon period and even further past the part of the relationship where we keep trying to impress each other with grand gestures. For the record my partner more than deserved his biscuit delivery that night but it’s not like I was keeping score. The bottom line is that we’re a team and we help each other out whenever we can. He’s not a hero and I’m not his subordinate. We’re two thoughtful people who share our lives and want to make each other happy. It’s as simple as that.
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Do people make the same assumptions about your relationship? Does it piss you off?
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P.S – If you want something a bit silly, uplifting or interesting to read every day make sure you follow Smaggle around on the ol’interwebs – Facebook, Twitter, Bloglovin, Instagram, YouTube and the Smaggle weekly newsletter. Sometimes I swear though… shit pile.
P.P.S This post was originally published in 2014 and has been updated.