This is an open letter for those poor souls who are unlucky enough to have a co-worker with boundary issues. I am one of those poor souls.
Dear Co-worker,
We’ve been thrown into a situation where we have to share an office which is fine, most of the time. We don’t work for the same people, so apart from the occasional pleasantry exchanged in the kitchen, there’s not really much need for us to ever speak to each other. I am a friendly person though. You know this because, although I wouldn’t exactly say we’re friends, we’ll often have a chat of a morning or exchange a jolly little quip as we pass each other outside our office door.
However, there are a few little habits you have that are extremely annoying.
Any of these actions in isolation or performed on a rare occassion would be totally reasonable. It’s the un-relenting daily occurrence of these incidences that has me permanently gritting my teeth in your presence.
Here are a few things you need to consider in regards to your office conduct because you’re pissing me off.
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It doesn’t matter what time I eat my lunch
Whenever I go to the office fridge to heat up my lunch, it seems to cause you undue amounts of shock and outrage. ‘Are you eating your lunch NOW???’ you always shriek as I try to ease the fridge open as quietly as possible, lest I wake the beast. If it’s 11.30am, it’s far too early for me to be eating lunch. If it’s 1.30pm, it’s far too late and I won’t be hungry for dinner. If it’s at any time other than the exact time that you eat your lunch, it’s not the right time. I have 2 news flashes for you Co-worker. 1. I always eat my lunch around 5 hours after I’ve had breakfast to allow for full digestion and as I am a human not a robot, this will vary from time to time. 2. It’s really strange that you care so much about this. Please find something else to yell about between the hours of 11am and 2pm.
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My desk is my desk
I’m a freelancer so I’m only at my desk a few days a week. Sometimes I work from home, sometimes I work at a cafe and sometimes I work at my desk in our shared office. I know you like to spread your shit all over my desk when I’m not there and it honestly doesn’t bother me. HOWEVER I don’t have to provide you with a timetable of when I’m going to be at the office. If I’m there, I’m there and you can’t use my desk. If I’m not there, I’m not there and you can totally use my desk. Stop asking me every single day ‘What time are you leaving today?’. I don’t know what time I’m leaving. A spare desk is a luxury, not a right.
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Wearing headphones is the international symbol for ‘Fuck off’
When I’m wearing headphones it means, ‘Please don’t speak to me.’ It doesn’t mean ‘Come and sit on my desk with your morning tea and coffee and gesticulate for me to remove my headphones so you can tell me all about how the managers screwed up your invoicing this month.‘ It also doesn’t mean ‘Please tell me every story 5 times in a row.’ Stop doing that okay?
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It’s none of your business where I’m going
I’m a friendly person, I promise. If I walk past you on my way out the door with my handbag and you happen to walk past me, by all means we can have a little chat and you can casually ask me where I’m going. When you holler at me from across the room EVERY SINGLE TIME I LEAVE demanding to know where I’m going it makes me hate you. A lot.
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If the mugs have specific owners, you should have told me this when I first moved into the office
You told me FROM YOUR OWN LIPS that I could use any mug I wanted. So naturally it’s really fucking irritating having you whisper urgently at me that I shouldn’t use the blue mug because it belongs to ‘Mike’. Now, ‘Mike’ hasn’t been in the office for three months but still, he might come in and want to use his mug. So now I’ve brought in my own mug and you comment every time I use it that ‘You didn’t need to bring in a mug! Just use any mug!‘. Do you mean any mug? Or any mug except Mike’s Magic Mug? I’ve had my own mug for a month now. Stop talking about the fucking mugs.
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