So last week I booked a session with my photographer (Mr Smaggle… I pay him in sexual favours) to shoot some head shots. While he was setting up lights and all his fancy equipment, I ducked to the bathroom to slap on a few handfuls of ‘natural’ looking make-up and tidy my hair to make it look a bit less like a dead cat. I grabbed my curling iron (that I’ve used only once before) and started to curl the frizzy bits of hair near my ears. I managed to press the iron right against my neck, twice, leaving a long, angry wound that looked frighteningly like a knife slash across my jugular vein. I’ve spent the last week explaining to everyone that no, it’s not a hicky because I’m not twelve and I actually just shouldn’t be left alone with dangerous appliances. This is certainly not the first time I’ve injured myself in the name of beauty and because pain is quite often hilarious, I’ve compiled a list (in no particular order because they’re all awful) of the top 5 beauty treatment injuries of my life time. Enjoy.
1. The Fake Tan Rash
I got invited to go to a boys school formal when I was sixteen which was a huge freaking deal, so naturally I went all oompa loompa on that situation and gave myself an at home fake tan. The colour was quite fine. The rash was something else entirely. Thank god it only affected my legs and I was wearing a floor length dress. It was pretty hideous. It looked like small pox… glittery, shimmery small pox.
2. The Wax Shredder
This one I suffered at the hands of a trainee beauty therapist. I was volunteering to be a leg model for her wax exam and at the last minute the examiner asked to see a lip wax. I agreed, the trainee nervously went for it, clumsily spreading wax over my upper lip. I still have no idea what happened but she fucked up royally and ripped a small strip of skin from my upper lip. It took an obscene amount of time to heal and made me look like I had herpes. Not just cold-sore herpes, really dirty looking herpes.
3. The Razor Stripper
I was running late for opening night of a play I was doing and I shaved way too enthusiastically around my heel and took a whopping great strip off the back of my leg. It was so bad, it required a bandage and I had to take pain killers because it hurt so much. Six years later, I still have the scar and very pleasant memories of my surreal and floaty performance that night.
4. The Pink Bit Snip
I was between bikini waxes many years ago and I was giving myself a quick trim with manicure scissors and I aimed very badly and managed to… cut something I shouldn’t have cut. It was the teeniest, tiniest little cut but it hurt like buggery and bled like a gunshot wound. Also it was minora, not majora. Such pain. Much ouch.
5. The Mascara Wand Eye Poke
I do this at least once a week but on this particular occasion I was going to an event and jammed the gluggy wand right into my eyeball. It went bright red and wept for the entire evening and I was like ‘Nope, it’s not an eye infection… I’m just a clumsy loser.’
Have you ever had a beauty injury? Can you top any of mine?
P.S – If you’re keen to read something interesting, funny or just plain weird every day don’t forget to follow Smaggle around the interwebs – Facebook, Twitter, Bloglovin, Instagram, YouTube and the Smaggle weekly newsletter. Just a warning though sometimes I swear… butt face.