I HATE 6am Carly. 6am Carly is an asshole. She’s cranky, she’s ugly, she likes to set me up for failure and she’s just a downright selfish bitch. I much prefer 11pm Carly. 11pm Carly is lovely. 11pm Carly removes all my makeup and puts yummy thick moisturiser on my face before bed. 11pm Carly sets out gym clothes for 6am Carly so she doesn’t have to search for sports socks in dark. 11pm Carly makes Mr Smaggle cups of tea.

6am Carly is the worst living human. Thankfully we don’t see her all that often but here’s a list of the dick moves she’s pulled over the last few years.

* 6am Carly has on more than one occasion, spilled her smoothie all over the floor and didn’t clean it up properly so I had to spend all afternoon scrubbing the floor.

* 6am Carly likes to bang things loudly.

* 6am Carly once jabbed me in the eye with a sharp eyeliner pencil because she hates the world and everything in it.

* 6am Carly has emotional issues and will often eat her feelings by chowing down on a row of left over chocolate sitting in the fridge, completely undoing the sensible chocolate avoidence of 11pm Carly the previous evening.

* 6am Carly hates Mr Smaggle. She hates him. His restful little face calmly snoozing when she has to leave the house in the cold makes her very, very angry.

* 6am Carly sometimes doesn’t wash my face. 

* 6am Carly often doesn’t cook my porridge properly because, and I quote “Who the fuck cares?”.

* 6am Carly doesn’t care whether or not my dress is clean… or my underwear.

* 6am Carly often forgets to take the delicious salad that 11pm Carly made for her lunch. She then makes me eat weird things like Tuna-On-The-Go because her heart is made of coal.

* According to Mr Smaggle, 6am Carly likes to tear the house apart and leave it in utter devastation. I know nothing about this because he cleans up her mess… apparently.

Do you have a 6am alter ego? Are they a total jerk like mine?