’ve got mate called Penis. Hand on heart. Penis. We call him ‘Peni’ or ‘Penoir’ these days but his full nickname really is Penis. How’s that for a shitty nickname? It took me ages to find out where it came from, and it turns out its origins aren’t as exciting as I’d hoped.
And that’s often the way.
If you’re unlucky enough to be saddled with a shitty nickname, here are a few things you can do to cope with the unfortunate situation.
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1. Wait it out
I have another friend who we used to call ‘Chump’ at school. He’s not particularly chump-like… well, maybe a bit… but in truth his name came about because he looked like a cartoon character on the back of a cereal box called Chump.
And that’s the problem, isn’t it? It doesn’t matter where it comes from, and it doesn’t matter if you don’t like it either; however unglamorous or embarrassing, once a nickname’s there, it’s there.
Eventually, Chump’s name went away, which can happen. He grew out of it – or we did.
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2. Ignore it
Another way to deal with a nickname you’re not happy with: ignore it. A bit like that strange noise your car makes, it might just go away after a while.
I had a nickname briefly when I was at university. I didn’t like it much. I was spending quite a bit of time down the Student Union bar around the same time a character ‘Tosh Lines’ from the police show The Bill died from alcohol poisoning. My name changed to Tosh overnight.
I just pretended not to realize people were addressing me. To my relief, my friends lost interest in it and my name went back to normal.
Mind you, if people are determined, you might be stuck with it – like the guy from my footy team who, for no particular reason, had been named ‘Wart’. He just couldn’t shake that one!
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3. Embrace it
Your last – and probably most ‘grown-up’ option – is to just embrace your nickname. Own it. Even if it’s embarrassing, making it your own you’ll find your nickname can be kind of cool. Even Penis – he loves his name now. He’s made peace with his gods, has come to terms with his new name… and makes sure his friends never meet his parents!
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But by and large, even your folks will understand if you bring home a nickname. I think my dad was quietly pleased when he discovered I’d been re-christened ‘Nightmare’ after an infamous football hooligan! I don’t think my mum liked it much.
I gave my mum a nickname, by the way. I don’t call her ‘Mum’ anymore. I call her Jean. Her real name’s Edith. Go figure.
One thing’s for certain though: you can never give yourself a nickname. It just doesn’t work like that. Unless you’re a mo fo rapper or something. Even then, the artist formally known as You will never be truly accepted by your friends.
Oh, and Penis – his name’s from an unfortunate bowl haircut when he was in Year 9.